Notes

my feelings
alexandra de lama.

iI wanna be prettier, stronger, smarter, skinnier. I wish wasn't anxious all the time. maybe if i was normal; they all would care about me a bit more? Maybe I would be considered in their plans, n wouldn't be left behind. maybe none of the bad things that happened wouldve happened.
If only I was someone else... someone... better. ion know how i ended up being the problem. my parents think im too selfish, n that i make everything such a big deal. everyone makes me feel like ion fit in. I feel so confused n lost. i feel hopeless because ion have anyone to talk to or anything bc they just end up leaving. why do i have to be so mad all the time?? why can’t i be like everyone else? im tired of it. i don’t even wanna be me sometimes. Its up a point where i feel guilty n wanna kill myself.
why was i born? why am i wasting my time trying to feel better when none of it will work?. i need a therapist. am i gonna be yearning for happiness or am finna die lonely? i wanna make everyone proud. why can’t i fix myself. No one cares about me anymore. Im jus stuck inna loop of getting yelled at, being alone, being forgotten. im stuck in this dark place, where no one loves me, n no one talks to me. im jus a nobody to everyone. I'm hated. non existent from everyone's life. they dont care. no one does . and no one will.

i can feel him falling out of love... :(
He makes me feel safe, the reason why im still here. he saved me. i love him so much and i never want to lose him ever. i wouldnt be able to handle that hurt. i miss when he texted me or called me without hesitation. i feel like im a chore to him. i hate feeling like that because i just want him to be happy. i dont want it to be over, i imagine my future with him. i want to grow and experience life with him. i love him. he makes me feel like no other, i just feel like im bothering him.
Today i called him and we talked for about 5 minutes in a 30 min call, he said he was going to sleep. obviously thats okay, but he hung up, we used to fall asleep on call. we never do that anymore, he cant have a conversation with me anymore, it hurts, thats why i feel like im always bothering him. i just love him so much i cant live without him. i feel like he is texting some other girl and moving on. and everytime i think of that i physically feel sick, i know hes moving on, i dont want him to. he is my other half. not only to my heart but to my SOUL. i guess i want him to chase me like i chased him, in a way.

Ive always felt like ion belong here. I feel like i could just disappear and no one would ever notice. Im not important to anyone. I feel like i could kill myself and no one would care. i just want to end myself, or run away... from everything. i just wanna run away from my problems n technically thats what i do. i just hide them. i wish i had someone to talk to, someone to listen to me. If i were to get a therapist i would feel bad for them. i dont want to bother anyone . i feel like im a burden. I also wish i didnt care about what people think about me. i try to be super nice. i dont want anyone to hate me, i feel like people are taking advantage of me. i am such a people pleaser, its so hard for me to tell someone no. ion wanna make anyone upset. i want to help other people because i cant help myself.

i also think life is all fucking bullshit, i am not real. no one is real. life is a game. ive been dissociating alot lately, i dont know why. also its hard for me to wake up. usually i have to wake myself from my dream/ in my dream to actually wake up. i also feel like someone is in my room. ive been hearing moving n shit like that, its scary... i can barely sleep.

i just want to blow up on my parents, but i know my dad would smack the shit out of me, i hold all this anger in me from them its hard to release them n if i do i usually, A. Cry , B. cut myself , C. express my feelings, no one hears me out and i get mad and yell, and get in trouble, D. express my feelings and get invalidated for feeling the way i feel.