Notes

trying to talk.

gender makes me lose confidence because of gender dysphoria I’ve already said. Also its hard for me to say stuff to you because I’m still scared of ur opinion because ur opinion matters alot and stuff. gender dysphoria can affect everything. just because I’m “normal” with my friends doesn’t mean I’m actually like cool and chill. and when I’m “not normal” when I’m at home its because I dont have to like be cool and be chill like how I am with my friends because I’m at home and I can like relax. But it is a bit easier with them anyway because I’ve already told them trans more than a year ago and they accept me already and stuff. and in an email I was going to send u in October 25th 2021. I was going to talk about gender dysphoria and other stuff but I didn’t ever send it because I’m scared of ur opinions and stuff haha. but I can’t rlly ‘relax’ coz haha gender dysphoria. I’m already shy enough and gender dysphoria can just affect that and other things alot. its kinda hard to explain. but there’s factors that increase the unease and stuff that gender dysphoria makes me feel. I’ve always felt it but it got like more around August 25 2022. Cutting my hair would lessen dysphoria, but it wouldn’t erase all of it. Which is why I won’t just be instantly happy all the time after you give me a haircut. My dysphoria is worse when we go out, because I hate wearing bralets/sport bras or whatever they’re called because they bring massive dysphoria. And the clothes I wear can bring me dysphoria too, thats why I hate those t-shirts with the wide neck holes. Thats why I don’t really like those white shorts from gap. That’s why I talk kinda monotone and deeper because I don’t want my voice to sound higher pitched because it brings me dysphoria. And I’ve been doing that for many years now. I’m not trying to say I only do these things because of dysphoria— They make me feel more comfortable when I do it.  my gender doesn’t make me lose self confidence. I just am. “If you love yourself and embrace self confidence and self esteem, and everything will follow and you could present yourself well.” its hard to do that with gender dysphoria. and gender dysphoria isn’t something I can just turn off like a switch. Its out of my control, I just need to lessen it by doing stuff that makes me more comfortable. Like that, a haircut, wearing clothes I feel good in. Those all alleviate dysphoria.  You calling me “baby *girl* / daughter” whatever else you say only increases it. And I hate it so much when you want me to grow my hair back because I’ll just feel even more angry and even more frustrated. being trans is rlly hard -if you didn’t know- its not that simple. Gender dysphoria means this: “ Gender dysphoria is a term that describes a sense of unease that a person may have because of a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity. This sense of unease or dissatisfaction may be so intense it can lead to depression and anxiety and have a harmful impact on daily life.”  Sept 29, 2021 when I told you I was a demiboy. nothing changed since then, I feel like nothing is changing, and I want things to change. (I’m not talking about the way I act.) Its almost been a year since then and nothing changed except that one haircut you gave me in march 25, 2022. Even though I want things to change— I’m not being clear on what that means. And I’m not even sure what it means either- I don’t know. But I dont want to go back to the past and how it was, before I told you things about me being transgender. Because things need to change so I can be less angry. — because  I’ve just been doing nothing since September 29, 2021.[written August 19, 2022]  and I don't think I can "live life to the fullest" if I stayed a girl. || and I know you think this may be a phase, because I just "Drastically changed" when I turned 13. Well, yeah I did, I just started wearing the clothes I liked and began asking for the haircut I wanted that I didn't get until like a year+ later. Anyway, I don't know if this is just temporary or not. If I was 100% comfortable with being a girl, I wouldn't do this at all, it's hard. Also, the fact that it's almost been 2 years since I found out I was transgender [a demiboy]. Yeah. So if this wasn't helpful in trying to communicate to you, then. Sorry. I suck at opening up and I don't like opening up and talking about emotions and problems. This is taking me a long time to even send to you. But I hope it gets sent to you, whenever that is. [written August 29, 2022.]