Notes

So to start out things, I want to tell you what you mean to me because you don't really know what you actually mean to me exactly. First of all, you're the first and only person who said "i love you" to me, and even though you don't love me anymore and you don't like me anymore and don't feel anything for me, but the first time you said that i couldn't stop crying for 2 straight hours. You were absolutely the first one who showed me some caring and you are the first person to worry and care about me. You are also the first and only person who just accepts me the way i am and don't judge me right away like everyone else did in my life. You are the first and only person who i trust totally and i feel like i can tell anything to her and you know, you know me by far the most. I'd say you know me 1000% more than anyone else on the planet. You are the first and only person who made me realize that i'm not a nobody and i'm actually someone and you gave me goals for my whole life. You're someone who i trust, love with all my heart and you're someone who i want to take care all the time and i want to protect from everything bad. You're someone whom i worry about all day long and no matter what i think of you in any given situation. You're the most important person in my life and i already know now that what will be my life goal, i can feel it and it is to stay by your side and support you forever and give you as much confidence and mental power as i can so that we could be happy ones together and we could be together forever. I'll try my best to give out all my love for you, i'll work hard to keep you happy and alive, i'll try everything to keep you motivated and i'll give it all my best to keep you on the right track and i'll give you all of my support and i'll spend all of my free-time to understand your feelings and then give you rational viewpoints about a the different options that you can choose from, giving you the advantages and drawbacks so that you could choose more easily. I'll always march towards being together and to be happy together. And now i want to truly apologize for being a true dickhead and act like a freaking asshole. i'm so sorry for being so selfish sometimes as even though i have always prioritized your problems and issues over mine, but sometimes i really felt left out cos i could never talk to you no matter how much i asked you about it and then wait for you to come to 2pp. And the only time i could chat with you was in the late evening around 23:00 when your brain was dead and you usually fell asleep after an hour. As a consequence, we could never really talk about anything and you kept on falling asleep at the worst time and i just didn't know what happened because this happened on every day of a week and before that week was when you said that it's a full long distance relationship, and then you rejected me and then you only kept a minimal connection with me. It just striked me out of nowhere and i didn't know what did i do wrong (i still don't know) and i cried almost every 3-4 hours and in the end i felt so bad that i wanted to suicide. That was when you sent the pic of you crying. Well, i'm apologizing for everything that happened because of me and i didn't want to hurt you. I was just way to greedy and selfish and didn't count in that you only knew me for 1 back then and i didn't count in that i didn't mean anything to you back then. I just cried every 3-4 hours because if it was true what you said about what i mean for you, then why you don't take care of that connection at all. Meanwhile i started to write a song for you, spent more than 65 hours on origamis and did everything i could in order to make you happy and make you know how much you mean to me and how much i love you. But even with giving out my whole heart it wasn't enough to even make you feel a little bit happier and I tried my best to be next to you and support you, i threw away everything for you, the confess, a huge opportunity to get a invite to an advanced secondary school and more. But it just wasn't enough at all, and now i don't know what i should do, because i have done everything i could and nothing happened, only my life is now ruined and all i have is a one-way relationship. I love you and i will forever but at the same time i have to apologize because i couldn't realize that i didn't mean anything for you and i was way too pushy and selfish. But you know, this week was a wonderful week, i thought everything was fine but then Kathi came into the scene. She convinced me through a hard conversation that you need me, so in the end i believed her. Then i wrote to you that let's do this together as we did up until now, and said that you'll be able to get to 45 and that i will support you with that even when nobody else and i will be next to you when you feel fat or that you would feel like you give up on the 45. And then for this you said that i don't understand a thing... well now what do you want? I don't know anymore, you don't trust me as Kathi said, you don't need me as Kathi said. You know what Kathi said? I've promised her not to tell this but oh well how bad i am at keeping m promises :P You know Kathi had someone who helped her out when she was feeling really down, he helped her to get up from the ground. This person is DarkDino, and she is really happy to have him by her side because he helped her to get through her traumatic part of her life. She told me that there has to be something that will change my life and i have to fight for the good things. Well, you definietely changed my life, but i don't know what's the good that i should fight anymore. She kept on telling me that you needed me and that i have to stay with you because i'll support you. Now i'm going to copy a part from our conversation : "cz her situation is similar to mine. you remind me of the person who is the most important to me (you seem to be like him) and i know what it feels like to lose this person.
"mine" is my soul mate and i am happy to have him.
i want my sis to have the same support as i do". But i can't be like DarkDino cos my support is nothing, because i don't understand a thing you say which means you don't trust me at all. Then after this i just opened up about how i felt for you, i told her that even though you deserve much more than me but i'll definitely will support you and help you, and i'm thankful for god that i could meet you and get a life time chance like this, and that even if i give out my heart that can't be enough and that frustrates me greatly. Then she said those words : "You are exactly like him
You are a good guy
I am happy that you are her friend "
The problem is that i'm not a good guy, and i cant give you the support you need. And no matter ho much it breaks my heart but i have to accept that i'm just a weakling and i'm by far not enough to help you no matter how much i want to. Then well... we talked about that i fell in love with ya yepp, let's skip that... and then i wrote to you to tell you how much i loved you and wanted to support you. And that's when you told me that i dont understand a thing. Then today i talked to Kathi and told her that i'm just so damn afraid of losing you, my last piece of my life. Then of course i had to clear things out and told her how bad my situation was. She said i needed someone to show me how wrong i am about me being a stupid asshole jackass and that nobody needs me. Then she said that even though you said all those things, you still need me. Great reasoning i have to say huh :P
And today after all these you said you only wanted to talk to me on ts right there because you wanted to hear my voice. But in the end you gave me 10 mins and then you came back at 1:30 for chatting. And now i'm just here crying again knowing that i'm a nobody and i don't know who i am, what am i living for and why i'm on this world. All i wanted is to be with you and make you happy and support you with all my mind so that you would be able to get through your problems. There's no moment when i don't think about how you are doing and i'm just praying for the god all the time that you're happy and are doing fine. My life goal was either to fulfill that relationship or become someone like that wonderful person for Kathi. But now i know that's just impossible for such a mortal like me. and now i'm just lying here with a focking huge hole in my heart and i'm bleeding out. And you know, that document is my last letter for you, it's a farewell letter i guess and it breaks my heart because no matter how much i want to stay and fulfill my dreams but you just don't want. And this is similar as your love :P it won't be easy to change my mind about it but you can change it in pretty much no time <3 just because i love you so damn much. So at the end of it all , there's only one question for me and i'm ready to take the consequences, do you want to and can you heal up that hole in that heart?

FUCTARD JERK <3