Notes

So it's been a while, sorry. I don't know where to start, but I guess I'll start on January 2015.
It's the new years and I've been grilling till midnight with some burned pork chops probably
Because I was watching "The Interview" while texting. It was a happy start, but it soon ended
In January 6 when my father passed away. I feel nothing at first, but as I remember the past,
Flashbacks of my childhood, He always takes me to cock fights to bet, he is also a weapon maker
For the Roosters. Tying it around on the right side of a Rooster's ankle. After that, the losing
Rooster (killed in combat) will be handling it over to the winner and to cook it. We've been exploring a lot further places to rural towns/provinces. He is always there for me as a child when My Mom is at work. I'm also afraid of him because he is violent when he is drunk and abusive but
He is still my father. I've probably developed an opposite side from my father that is why I'm too nice and trusting. So we (3 of us brothers) visited his funeral home and the next day will be his burial. We already know he has another family, his new wife knows that he has 3 children but his parents and friends don’t know it. To respect his new family, we denied to be his children and pretended to cousin from a distant relative. It was painful going to your father's funeral and to pretend I'm not his son. After that something happen a friend of my father visits and said "Where is his children" a lot of people Became confused. We panic and naturally go out the door. My father's relative knows us and also our Great grandmother is coming. So I decided as the oldest brother that we should go to have my father's funeral in piece. We didn't go to his burial and now I feel regretful not visiting it because I don't even know where he was buried, I only know he is at the North cemetery. It was a painful start and got depressed but someone was there for me and try to cheer me up. As I'm gathering myself up and getting better because

I always texted her. Actually, she is the only one I have a conversation with every day. I don't have real friends near my place, I go to work and go home, but my entertainment is our conversation. There are good and bad times She sometimes has mental breakdowns and negativeness because at that time she is having visa problems, I'm there to cheer her up and be as positive as I can be and helped her visa issue by asking a lot of ofw on how to process and procedures. I visited her whenever I have the time, physical contact is one of the Most important in a relationship after all but this is the only area that I lack. My last visit is the last week of April.

We have a lot of fun, it was a happy time. Saying lovable things and some cries and also prayers about her visa approval. We felt comfort between the 2 of us. Then April came and all went downhill. She was feeling negative again so I tried to cheer her up, but she was too negative and also has a red day. People suggested specially my mom to give her space be herself for a while. So I did that for 4 days and concentrated on myself. Those 4 days I finally get a job and begin
Training. I announce it on Facebook because I felt happy and finally on the right track, then I felt something weird and Painful, I trust her and she won't do anything stupid, but there is one thing I know myself that I should trust my instincts and I find out. I won't tell what I've found out in respect of the situation, but it was so painful. The lies, destroyed trust, Betrayal, Backstabbed, sinful, anger, sadness, anxiety, panic attacks, cries, depression and suicide. I never felt all this simultaneously.
I didn't eat much and always bedridden. I got hyperacidity because I didn't and slept all day wishing and hoping that I didn't wake up. I lost everything, I have nothing, it was a hopeless life now. I took it out to God. My life was too painful childhood till today. I was being toyed by God and giving all these trials and problems non-stop. I seek people advice, but there advices are all generic.
It won't register in mind. Then I fell in despair to the bottomless pit that I can't crawl up. Then finally I was in the dark place. Full of suicidal thoughts and uselessness. When I've finally had to do it, I felt comfort to end this cycle of sadness and ask God "Why?" if I meet him. Then I overdose myself. I was stupid and didn't research about suicidal methods I've thought any overdose medicine will Kill me. Stomach is painful, headache, and vomiting. I was rushed to the hospital. Doctor told me I have too much vitamin c like I said I didn't research much. The cost of that is anemia at morning, insomnia at night, and a damage kidney. After that I fell asleep and wake up
At night in the hospital. Staring at the ceiling and said to myself. It didn't work. I didn't speak to anyone and staring at them blankly. I'm still in the bottomless pit looking up. Why did I do it? At that time severe depression looking YouTube about suicides and how to commit it
And reading a lot of Junji ito manga, then going to reddit and see other people who wants to commit suicide. Saying their lives just like me or Something more awful. I saw YouTube Video where a speaker said suicide will not go to hell as long as you are forgiven but you won't look at
God or Jesus because you did something bad. It was guilt, but I thought if I did it, they will forgive me. I'm not as strong as others, people say That it is bad, but I'm just a depressive person who looks for an exit. Suicide is taboo in peoples' eyes, but if you see in a depressive person


They felt comfort, they can stop playing the game called life, there is finally an exit. All of this despair, there is one friend that wouldn't Give up on me even if I bitch and whine and spamming all my negative at him, he still stayed by my side. I've felt bad, but I felt comfort from him
Because all the people I know today he is the only one I have whole-heartedly trust and won't betray me. Cheering me up with games and listened all the time. He gives advices but all the time he listened because he's trying his best to understand me well, there is a mix of pity but I'm okay with it. His wingman on every guy and a very tough nut to crack and doing all his efforts. I really appreciate it. Thanks. There is also something to discuss with my 2nd family. I've felt very depressive and some wouldn't understand, I felt that they don't care for me and I can be easily replaced. Too their eyes, I'm just an outsider to their circle and I felt alienated and I'm just a hassled to them. I felt nobody believes in me except one family member Who stayed with me and that is also my friend. I love my 2nd family and if I lose another thing I love I'll be destroyed since that's is also the only thing I have left. Hoping it won't happen But nobody knows what will happen. I think that is all for now. I'm saying this because that is what I feel don't take it to heart. I'm okay
If you judge me, pity me, sees me differently now because again that is what I felt today. Right now, I'm on anti-depressant (already out and feeling shit Suicidal again) and still in severe depression. I'm still wishing my life to end because all I see in my future right now is bleak also for some of you
May already know, but I'll tell it anyway. I don't have a lot of time in this World because I have shortened my life span 4 years ago that I have lung problems
It may be cancerous already, slowly dying. Well, everybody dies after all. I guess that is all, if you message me I can tell you all about the details if you want Don't really care, but at least you know what I'm going to right now. I guess that is all. Would I do it again? Probably.. I'm not seeking attention if you felt that way just remove this post from your news feed. This is my story right now. Thank you all for the people for reading this long post. Thanks.