Notes

After reading through a number of courageous posts by molestation survivors I feel like I finally have the courage to tell my story, but I'm also nervous, because I'm afraid of the responses I may get from either perverts who may try to fetishize my experience or from those who might accuse me of being a fake or treating my abuse nothing but an erotic story. This is my story. It is true. I'm going to be pretty detailed about what happened and honest about how I reacted to it. I hope I don't violate any rules here but if anything in my post is too graphic, please let me know and I will immediately remove the offending parts. I'm using this post as a way to help me remember and process things that happened to me and to perhaps help anyone who may have gone through similar experiences.
It started when I was 8. My dad and I would sometimes take naps together and at those times, before dozing off, we'd occasionally talk and goof around, like he would tickle me and then I'd try to pin him. I recall with clarity when things began to cross the line. One time we were lying down and he was tickling my sides, but then he asked where else on my body I might be ticklish as his hands roamed and found their way under my clothing to my bare skin. My stomach? My inner thighs? My very lower back and bottom? My chest? My vagina? Even then I knew he wasn't just innocently trying to tickle me; he was touching my body because he liked it. But instead of being afraid or horrified by his touches, I was curious about the sensations and feelings that they stirred in me, so I let him continue exploring. I even played along by pretending to be ticklish in those spots. All the while he was asking me, 'Is it ok if I do this?' and I said yes.
This continued to be our pre-nap routine, but he soon dropped the pretext of exploratory tickling and just moved to putting his hands under my clothing. He would rub my chest, then have me lay on my stomach so he could rub my bottom, and finally have me lay on my back and his hand would go into my pants or shorts and come to rest against my vagina, where it would stay throughout the nap. At first, he would just rest it there, but then he started to move his hands and fingers around against me. I knew this wasn't something fathers are supposed to do to their daughters, but I didn't say no or push him away because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but also because, yes, I began to enjoy the feeling of his touches.
When the occasional naps weren't enough for him, he started asking me if I wanted to go lay down and I knew what that meant. Sometimes I would politely say no, and he never pushed me to change my mind. However, there were plenty of times when I said yes, and we'd go upstairs to my bedroom. In these times we both knew that we were not going upstairs to take a nap. Instead, I would undress so I would be naked for him, and he would strip down to only his boxers, and we'd lay down in my bed and he would begin touching my naked body. During these times he would continually tell me that I could tell him to stop if I didn't want it anymore, but I never told him to stop. I knew he liked it, and he was making my body feel things it had never felt before. But in addition to touching, he started kissing my body as well. Once, when we were in bed, he asked me if I had ever had someone kiss my vagina. Of course I said no- I didn't even think people did that! He said he sometimes did it to my mom and asked if I wanted to see what it feels like. I didn't, and I was kind of grossed out by the thought of someone putting their mouth on another person's genitals, but he said he would just do it for a few seconds. He scooted himself down so his head was at my waist and he pushed my legs open. He played with my vagina some more to help me to relax and rubbed my clitoris with this thumb. I responded to his stimulation by spreading my legs wider and bringing my knees up to my chest so to give him full access to my pre-pubescent vagina. I felt his breath against his skin, and then his lips as he kissed me, then his tongue, and finally his full mouth against me with his tongue darting inside me. As most everyone knows, the first time you receive oral sex it's a powerful feeling and you typically aren't prepared for the intensity of the pleasure that can come from it. That's how I was. I knew he shouldn't be doing that to me and also that I should not be enjoying what he was doing to me, but at the same time I didn't want him to stop. I remember literally shaking and wiggling so much that he had to tightly hold my legs so that he could keep his mouth on my vagina. I didn't know it at the time but I had my first orgasm that day.
While our "nap sessions" were pleasurable and enjoyable for me, afterwards was another story. I wanted to be alone, and though I didn't feel dirty I did feel uncomfortable and I was hyper aware of my own body, if that makes sense. And during those times I would tell myself that I shouldn't agree to lay down with him anymore, and yet I found myself more often than not agreeing to go upstairs with him because I was drawn to the pleasure he was giving me, even though I regretted it afterwards.
However, it wasn't just my dad who molested me. My uncle (on my mom's side) took part in it as well. The first time was when it was just the three of us at his house (I can't remember where my mom and aunt were) and my dad and uncle asked me if I wanted to go into their hot tub. I didn't have my swimsuit but they said I could go in naked. Of course, I was apprehensive because I didn't want my uncle to see me naked, but they kept saying it was ok, and that they would wait inside while I got undressed and got into the tub with the bubbles going so they wouldn't see anything. I finally said ok and undressed, wrapped myself in a towel and went out and quickly got into the tub, then they came out and joined me and I saw that they were naked, too. The tub felt so good, I was enjoying the hot water and bubbles, and I just kind of relaxed into it. My dad was sitting next to me and my uncle was across from us. At one point I felt my dad's hand on my leg. I honestly didn't think anything of it until he moved it to my vagina. I tried to give him a subtle signal that I didn't want him doing that but he didn't respond. Eventually I just accepted it because I was sure that's as far as it would go with my uncle there with us, and at least my uncle couldn't see under the water. But after a while, the timer stopped and the bubbles stopped as well. My uncle suddenly had a clear view not only of my naked body but of my dad's hand between my legs. I was mortified, embarrassed and scared that he saw this, and I expected my dad to jerk his hand away immediately, but he didn't. He left his hand there and I could see my uncle looking right at it. And I saw that both their penises were erect and they were playing with them. I didn't know what to do, I hated being seen like that but at that moment I felt like all I could do was sit there and hope that they started the timer again so the bubbles would return. But neither of them got up to turn the timer back on. My dad and uncle started talking casually, I guess in an attempt to ease the tension and get me to relax, but it didn't really work. I was still fully exposed and my dad's hand was on my vagina. Eventually, my uncle came and sat on the other side of me and put his hand on my leg. I was terrified but somehow I couldn't form the words to tell him no. Then my dad took his hand away from my vagina and it was replaced immediately with my uncle's hand. He asked me if it was ok for him to do that and I don't know why I didn't say no but I think I just kind of shrugged or something. They took turns fondling and touching me and I had such conflicting thoughts running through my head. I was embarrassed and wanted them to stop but at the same time my body was reacting to the stimulation and I couldn't get up the nerve to ask them to stop. They kept trading off, one would have a hand on my vagina and the other would feel my chest or bottom, and then their hands would switch places. At one point one had a finger in my vagina and the other had a finger in my bottom while they each kissed my chest and neck. As they did that, they each took one of my hands and placed them onto their penises, then put their hands over mine and had me stroke them as they kissed my body and digitally penetrated my vagina and bottom. Against my will I climaxed from them doing that to me. We stayed in the hot tub for a little while after that and talked some more, I processed what had just happened and even came to consider what just happened an enjoyable experience (perhaps compensating in some way). After a while, we got out, got dressed, and dad and I left.
The molestation by my dad was a semi-regular thing that went on for years and happened on average 3-4 times a month, but once in a while more frequently. And those times were mostly enjoyable for me and the weird after-feelings diminished over time. I also began to sometimes indicate when I was receptive to spending time with him. Eventually he began having me give him oral, and then finally he took my virginity and we started having intercourse. The only thing that was totally weird with my dad was when we kissed one time. That was something that totally kind of grossed me out and I said I didn't want to do that. Yeah, we could have sex, but kissing is over the line lol. My uncle would be a part of it once in a while. They would have sex with me together and just one-on-one with me. Like not every time we saw him but maybe half the time. And when it was just my dad, my uncle and me at home I knew to expect them to want to do things. I used to be so nervous when I was around him, like just waiting for them to make moves on me. And then when it finally would happen I would get anxious and at the same time I anticipated it because, I admit, I liked the pleasure it gave me. I knew then and I know now that that's weird and gross and so wrong to drive pleasure from what I knew was sexual abuse. The molestation from my dad and uncle tapered off in my senior year of HS and by the time summer came around we had stopped completely. They both just kind of stopped making moves on me and we never talked about it after that. It was like nothing ever happened.
I like to think that it didn't really affect me and I think for the most part it hasn't. Strangely, I'm not traumatized by it. Like others, I tend to view my experience as kind of neutral, sometimes it was kind of weird but once it became a kind of regular thing I came to terms with it and with the way I and my body reacted to it and the pleasure I derived from it. However, there are some things about me that I know have developed out of that abuse. For one, I'm drawn to older men. I dated boys my own age in high school but once I got to college I began gravitating to older guys, first upperclassmen and then to men who were in their 30s, and eventually I was "dating" men who were in their 40s. Today, I'm 25 and am seeing a divorced guy who is 56, and before him I had a short term thing with a man who was in his 60s. I think this stems from a sexual attraction to older men as a result of my experiences and also for some reason I just feel more comfortable around older men. The other thing that I'm sure is a result of my molestation- and something I'm not proud of and know it isn't healthy- is that I sometimes crave the feeling of being molested and put myself in positions to satisfy those urges. The main way I do this is to go to a local adult video store and go back into the section where they have the viewing booths. I'll go into a booth but leave the door slightly cracked so that I can be seen, and then I'll expose myself and pretend to masturbate (I don't even like porn but I use it as a pretext). I'll wait for an older man to peek in and then I'll make eye contact with him to let him know it's ok to watch. Usually the man will come into the booth and shut the door and I'll take off my clothes to let him touch me while I masturbate him. Yes, I know this isn't healthy behavior and it's potentially dangerous and yet I do it every now and then (obviously I haven't done it in a long time given the current health situation). I'm trying to address both of these things. I realize I need to learn how to relate to guys around my own age and I know getting felt up by strangers in a public place is beyond stupid. I've been thinking about looking into therapy, but the last time I was in therapy (for mild anxiety) I confided in my therapist about my past and after that she tried to tell me that every little thing was a result of the molestation while I knew that wasn't true.
Well, at a very high level, that is what happened to me. It actually feels really good to put it in writing like this. I welcome all respectful thoughts and comments. Thank you for giving me a place to share and work through my experiences