Notes

Alright I want to write down my thoughts

Yesterday I felt like after a long time I'm spending time with self, and I felt like I don't want to bring sadness to her life. I felt it so deep. I wished if it takes that we have to part away, I'm willing. But please make it soft. I'll be always around. I want to be aroundyou shiva and the reason I wanted a second chance was to prove who I am but I feel like behaviour outside plays an important role in determining how should i behave. I can't continue my outpouring when it comes to my partner because I expect that even they should know how to take care of me. I believe that I don't want anything from them but if they can't help me out or be with me during crucial moments, I kind of feel pained, a gap, frustrated and turns out that I react to the situation. Yes, I can come out quickly but then their reaction doesn't allow me to come back normal.

I feel that they are careless and then they can't take care of me.

Yes, I feel that need. Not always but during times when I have something very important coming up, I'm focused towards the task, I need some caring.

Or do I need to develop the faculty to take care of self first and then engage into task, coz both are important.

What if she plans to leave today? or anytime?
To be honest, I won't want that but I don't know, from my side, all I could was pain. Sometimes I shared my care but that behaviour where you just cry, I don't think love really worked. I won't stop her this time even if I want to. Because I don't want her to lose her present in the name of future. If there's no present, there's no future. I always said, I'll wait no problem. But honestly, I want to run, i want to walk around, yes I'll rest too. I'll wait too. but i also want to run. I'm not asking anyone to leave or do anything. Just need myself to become efficient in what I do, become someone who's a healer not a sucker. A giver not a taker. Honestly, I'm developing that I don't want anything but I'm not able to build on it because suddenly I start expecting that I want care, I want love, I want this or that and when I expect at crucial times and when they turn back, it hurts.

What should I do?
I believe, the more you speak. the more you hamper the situation. you are being tested. You just stay calm.

how do I shower love?
Look at what they need, serve them. If they don't need it, don't push it. let it be as it is, if it has to come it will come. You heal yourself.

but in an environment where there are conflicts, how to expect that I heal myself?
I feel, become friends with the environment of what it wants, just go with the flow and then slowly get dissolved and rest in the situation. because the more you fight with it that you want peace, rest and healing, the more pressure outside will make you tired.

but what if they are resisting to include?
let them resist, you don't put strength in getting in also. just be in the flow, if they want you, just go, if they don't want you, just don't go. if they are talking to you, respond. its been a while that you've been bossy. just submit to everything at least for a while, consider this as sadhana. no questions asked.

if they get angry?
it's okay let them be. understand where's the pain coming from and then be with them.

if they leave?
let them go. do not hold them. it will just hurt you and push them more. let them heal as well. they deserve it as much as you do. so let them do what they want to.

after writing this, I'm feeling a bit better than previous time as there's a bit of clarity around in my mind and I shall come back when I'm touching any similar loops.
See I feel all is well, don't push the situation too hard and be with self. heal yourself. let things flow. let thoughts occur, don't respond. if they get angry don't be a victim, just be normal :)

also, i remember them saying, I'll be selfish. I hate people who are selfish. I mean we all are selfish right? but we always keep something on ground or sacrifice for others, that tells our commitment. What if she starts behaving like that?

- if you are matured enough, don't approve the behaviour by letting it happen. if that person has some amount of humanity they will normally be back to good.
how about food?
I want to eat but it doesn't sound good, if you have behaved bad and you eat what they cook. what to do then? I won't eat for a while, this is not a punishment but penance for a while to understand that I should be careful with what i say and do.