Notes

Okay. You can tell this is serious because I'm typing properly.
First I need to say don't worry. I am not going to do anything 'stupid'... not yet anyway. A while ago Morgan admitted she hasn't been 100% honest about herself to you or me, that we don't know the real her. And then the conversation with Chloe about her crush on Finlay, saying how we tell each other everything... well I realise I haven't told you everything, maybe even anything.

Things are bad. Really bad. But I've been hiding it all. Stereotypically I put on a mask to cover my real feelings day to day. When I am out with you and Chloe and Sean and Scott etc I feel good. I feel accepted. I feel like a belong in a group. I feel loved. I fucking feel happy. At school I was always with you guys and friends, I was occupied and I had things to do. I had fun at school. The moment I get home I change instantly. I am impatient, irritated, I hate doing everything, I'm fed up of being nagged at, I'm fed up of my mum and dad getting into arguments with me because they are different in mind and era. I'm fucking fed up of my mum's depression. She is always going out to escape her problems and clear her head, but she goes out in the morning and comes back about 2:00am next morning so I never fucking see her. She is fading out of my life. If she is in then she sits in her pj's hogging the living room sleeping or doing nothing. My dad still doesn't understand completely so he makes comments sometimes which upsets her. He is grumpy. I hate home. I hate my parents. I don't like being at home, so going out with you guys or being at school saved me that problem. I spent little time possible at home. Now we've left school I'm going to be stuck at home for ages and I'm going lose it. I told you before I frequently get wound up and want to hurt things, I think I have anger issues. I also think I have depression, and I really can't help it, and I try, but blame my mum. I was fine until she got it. I noticed that. As soon as she was diagnosed and told us, I started to feel different. It was like she was rubbing off on me, which is understandable. But it's gone on for so long I think I have it. But I don't want to go to a doctor because it's a sensitive subject, an embarrassing subject. I know if I do go I'll be told "no, it's just hormones you're a teenager" or "yes you have it" and then what? I can't stand thinking about it.

The worst is I think about death all the time and it freaks me out, I think of self-harm and suicide a lot, but never about doing it. I'd never see myself doing anything, but I never thought I'd ever think about it in the first place so who knows? See, with normal people who want to commit suicide it's because they feel unloved and worthless, like they don't matter, therefore you can tell them they do and boom, problem solved. I don't feel worthless, I don't feel unloved, or that I don't matter. I know I do. So I don't know why I think of it. And that's scarier. There's no reason I know of. How exactly do you stop someone from committing if they themselves don't know why they're doing it??

I listen to music as much as possible because it keeps my mind occupied, I am focussed on it, and I can hide from reality. Whenever I'm home I always put on music. Always. And I try to avoid mum and dad. I want to leave but money and effort and fucking everything else. I have thought once or twice about running away for a while because I can't stand it here. But hahah where do I go and how exactly do I explain it when I return. Same with telling them all of this. I am not telling my parents any of this because my mum is bad enough and my dad struggles with her.

I am fed up of feeling like this. I am fed up of feeling stuck. I am fed up of holding everything in.