Notes

I keep putting this off and it needs to be done. I'm sorry. For everything I've ever done to hurt you. You're an incredible person, and I'm sorry that I did the things I did. We weren't meant for each other. We didn't get along. Maybe we were too similar. I know I was too clingy. But how could I not be? You were everything I could ever ask for. Yet I still treated you like shit when I became upset over the imminent neglect I should have expected from the last time we dated. I still think about you. Constantly. Daily. I truly hope that I've been forgotten. I don't want you in this mental, emotional hell. I wish I could take back everything I ever did to hurt you. The only thing I want is for you to forgive me. It's laid heavy on my heart for some time. I've started going to church. I became close to a welder at work and he talked me into starting to go. I don't know if I believe in God, but I do need more moral structure. I listened one Sunday as they talked about forgiveness. You were all I could think of. How badly I wronged you. Betrayed the trust you instilled in me. I was a monster. I still am. However, I'm battling from within to become the person that you saw in your eyes from the beginning. I know I have good in me. I know that it can prevail. I'm just not there yet. I don't want the last memory you have of me to be full of hate, betrayal, and disgust. Because if you have those emotions within you they'll tear you apart. I'm living it. I hate myself for everything I've done. To you. To anyone who's ever cared for me. Aaron told me later that he left one thing out when he talked about forgiveness. He said it was forgiving yourself. But I can't do that. Words can't mend what I've done and I understand that. I never want to be a part of your life again. Not because I don't care, but because I don't deserve it. You don't deserve it. You should have happiness, and we figured out that your happiness doesn't lie with me. You're going to have a great life. I miss the time I took you up to that big rock. I miss all the times we binge watched Bob's Burgers. I miss us jamming out to pop punk bands and laying in your bed listening to moose blood. I miss being wanted. Cared about. But I don't deserve those things. No one should care what happens to me. I'm a shitty person. Everyone's better off without me. I'm trying to improve. I'm trying to be a better person. I just wish I was good enough. For you. For anyone. I'm sorry. For everything. For ever being a part of your life. And I promise you this-- this is the last time you'll hear from me. And I know you'll be happier like that. I hope more than anything that you're happy. I truly mean that.