Notes

i feel like im trapped, i need something in my life idk what it feels like im just missing something?
i dont like my dads gf, and i dont like their kids. i dont want my mom to have a bf, i dont want to be with people, i dont like people. I hate myself i want to die, but i dont want to see my parents crying. i love my parents, i want to go back to the past but whats the point? my parents hate eachother in the past too?. my mom left me when i was young cause she needs more money, while i keep waiting for her, whenever i see an airplane, i always wish that it was her on the airplane, excited to see me.
but nope wasnt her, i always waited for my dad after he comes to my grandparents house, hes always drinking with his friends, i didnt want to sleep without him. i always had 2 birthdays and 2 christmas, when i was young i wanted on christmas to have my parents back together. my grandparents always told me to tell my mom that i wanted them to be back, i always get annoyed cause i dont want them to be together cause they're always gonna fight (this is when i started realizing) . i always get jealous when its family day cause i see my friends with their family hapily together but its always my grandparents coming, whenever its time to collect my certificate its my grandparents coming. me and my dad came to canada to live with my mom i was hoping they are gonna be together but its always the same they kept fighting, my dad told me to stay at philippines with him but instead he left me at my grandparents while he came back to canada. i was there for 5 years i didnt need to wait for my dad after he went out with his friends anymore. i remembered my cousin Ma. told me "you have no father anymore haha". (but its okay cause she was still young at that time). -raven 8/6/22.