Notes

I'M TO THE POINT...
I'm to the point where I don't care anymore. I physically want to give my life up. People say all the time 'Your life is a joke' or 'Get a life'. A they may be joking but at the same they may not be joking. At this point I don't think they are joking. Last Sunday i cut myself because I got tired of my life. Last night I cut myself again. I think that I have depression because every time i'm alone all i do is think about the past or just thoughts from the past and start to think of suicidal thoughts or run away thoughts or self harming myself. I mean tomorrow my little brother has court and they said that they are most likely sending him away until he is 18 in a group home. I asked my dad last night if I could go but he said no. I mean it could be my last time seeing him. He is only 12. Another thing is I have no one. Every day or night that I come home no one is home. In my life I physically don't know what a family is. I hardly even hear the word family in my life let alone I don't ever hear the word love. When I was 13, July 5, 2014, I was rapped. I've always wanted something done about this but nothing seems to work. My whole family is on drugs and they have been on drugs for years now. I was surrounded by drugs all the time at my home until i was tired of it. Last Wednesday I got high for my first time. This weekend I smoked A LOT of cigs. Most likely a pack to myself. I have anxiety really bad and i've already pasted out 3 times this week. (Monday, Friday, and Sunday morning.) I think part of me passing out so much here lately is because i'm so depressed and have no one to talk too. I'm also scared to talk to someone because I don't want to be sent someone like a hospital because I cut myself or because I have thoughts about suicide or running away. I feel like if I got away from my family then I could become the true girl that I want to become. The girl that I want to become is a TRUE christian apostlic girl. I'm so tired of being made fun of when people don't even know my back ground. If i don't get away from the life that I am living right now then I feel like that i'm going to end up on drugs really bad or getting pregant at a young age or just messing my life up. I mean on Sunday I was running from the cops because I snuck out about 1 in the morning and was out all night with friends. We ended up hiding in a truck and while we hid in this truck 2 guys were trying to brake inside this house that we were right next to. That is when I had my attack. There were no adults. I could of died right then. But I know that god was with me and I know that he believes in me and that he knows that I am going to be ok because he is going to make the best life ever for me.