Notes

VENT

because of a guy,i left everything.
I broke up with him on may 11th,i was never comfortable with fisical affection,but i gave in to him,we dated for almost 5 years,he was a part of my teenage years just like how i was in his.on our 4th year together,he took things too far,i had told him that i can hug him for hours,that he is the only acception to fisical touch,but no explicit intimacy,for im not comfy with that at all,that i told him from the start,its important to say what you are not comfy with since the beginning to see if that will be a problem to him,back then,it was not

this is going to be long,i just want to talk about it with someone.for someone to know what happened

on our first year,it was nothing but the honeymoon phase,at first we didnt even talk,we were both shy,but with time we started opening up,i still remember when we said whoever kissed who first won a hug,we always gave eachother hugs,but it was all an excuse to at least push ourselfs to try
He was the first to kiss me in the cheek,it was outside our lab class and i remember smiling non stop that day,On our first date we went to walk on a park that was 2 hours away,we rode on a bus,it was cheaper to get there by bus,When we arrived we honestly just sat on a bench the entire day and talked,on our way back,we were both tired,sitting in the bus
then i kissed him,that was our first kiss,on a bus.Nothing special to anyone else,but one of my favorite memories back then.
Our 2nd year was wonderful,nothing went wrong,he met my mom,she despised him at first,but later on became a part of the family.

But on the 3rd year,him and i met someone new
she was new to our little friend group,and i actually became great friends with her,my partner at the time had started teaching guitar to kids and friends,since our school let us do a big band,him and i auditioned for it and got in,i adored that band with all of my soul,they would have practices on weekends and i would literally fight my mom to let me go to them,so i got a guitar and started to practice,my parter already knew guitar and decided to make money by teaching,he would always tell me how they went,good,bad,funny etc
my birthday comes around,i invite both of them for the first time,ive never liked big parties,so this would be my first big one
They talked there,and i was happy to see 2 people that i genuently loved getting along.
My mom always has theese little instincs,they are never wrong its creepy sometimes,mid bithday she comes up to me and tells me that my friend was getting a little to close for comfort with my parter,but i didnt really care
party was over,i have a little tradition with my mom to go to places for a week with some family members for my bithday,my family are party animals and always insist on it,during that week i get a text from him that hes going to this girls house to teach guitar,i told him to have fun and to have a nice day and that was it,untill a few hours later
I get messeges from him telling me that he wanted to talk,that he was sorry and hoped i still loved him after the talk,i was scared,i thought something had happened to him,or if he lost something that i gave him,He told me to meet at the park that was behind my house,and i ran there.

But when he told me that the girl had kissed him,i didnt know what to do,how to respond
He told me she looked sad,so he wanted to cheer her up by cracking a few jokes,making her laugh,and then thats when she kissed him

I was furious,i wanted to scream,cry,all of those years wasted down the trash by someone who we had just met that year

so then i asked her if it was true

she told me a whole other story,i didnt know who to belive

i should have broken things up at that point,TO THIS DAY i still dont know what actually happened,i was not there,even if she did kiss him,the thought alone destroyed me,i cried for months,kept imagining it over and over again
"but he had the guts to tell me" "i should trust him,he was the first to tell me"
my dumbass forgave him,but i told him if something like that ever happened again,i was going to break things off
being with someone who has been kissed by someone else while in the relationship hurts,one moment your having a nice conversation with him,then the image of them two being the same before the kiss happened hurts,them kissing you and your brain saying that the same gesture,the same spark you feel when they kiss you has been felt my someone else,or how little special moments were now in the head of someone else because of what happen destroys me,my brain likes to overthink those scenarios over and over,it was killing me,i wasnt doing well at all,but i didnt want to remind him of that,because i still cared about his feelings,and seeing him hurt was something i didnt want,so i tried my best to forget and instead gave him all of the attencion,like saying"hey i still care,and heres my way to prove it"
then that backfired.
i gave him attention to the point where i stopped going out,being with friends,cut myself off,i stopped hanging out with my mom,the person who LIVES with me,to talk to him

i lost my ability to communicate,it sounds so fucking stupid,but i coulnt even strike up a conversation with anyone anymore.I went from talking with people for hours,going out,having fun,to just humming yes or no,say little comments to the conversation,and sometimes chiming in,but just with him,no one else. And when i tried talking to my mom,i genuently couldnt,i got scared,i thought something was wrong with me,started to have one of the worst panic attacks of my life,i was crying and screaming but no noise was coming out,its like my own person got used to my voice not existing that i coulnt even scream.
i gave him so much attention in fact,that he got used to it,if i didnt respond within 10 minutes he would spam my phone,asking if i was ok,or if i was not home and didnt tell him,when i was actually doing other stuff,but i would stop all of it to reassure him
that was my mistake,and i now know i was wrong,when i thought i was being nice,i was just giving him too much time i can never get back now.

Now,our 4th year,
when he got a little too comfortable with me
he tried asking for sexual things,i then reminded him of what i had said when we first started dating,that im not comfortable with anything sexual,and that still stands,i thought that was the end of it
new years passes,he spent it with us,the only other closest friend i had left asside from my partner at the time was sending me a little new years messege,and asked my what my new years resolution this year was gonna be,
i told him that i was going to try to get my ability to communicate back,and that we should also go somewhere next week to make new friends,
He was very excited,and also very happpy for me,my mom and i have this joke of him being my half brother,and his mom being my other mother,we treat eachother like an extended family,and its really sweet,i dont have much family,so i take whoever wants to be in it,related or not.

at this point,my mom trusted me enought to have some friends,family and even my boyfriend over to the house when she wasnt there,i never really took that choice though,it was always "lets stay here untill my mom gets home,then we leave"

I had an era where my phone had no singal at all,i HAD to be connected to a wifi,if not then i cant talk to anyone online,i would force my friends to add my mom and let me talk to her,asking if she was home,it was never an issue

i was out on another date with my partner,i knew my mom was going to be out that day,so instead of being alone,i went with him.
our date ended early and he wanted to come by my house to hang there,i asked the usual,if he could please text mom to see if she was home since i had no signal,he said he would but that he still wanted to go,so instead of going home on bus i told him we could go walking,to make some time for my mom to respond
i carry the house's extra keys,so even if she wasnt home,i could still go in,he knew this

40 minutes later we arrive to the front of my house,i ask to check his phone,my mom still hasent responded,but i now had internet and decided to call,she responded
i told her that out date ended early and that i was in front of the house,she wasnt home still,but said i could open the porch door,and we could hang out there,but only i was allowed inside the house,she said that she trusted me to not do anything stupid,i laughed and reassured her,telling her that i would turn my phone sound on in case she called me

i was fine with that,our porch is kinda closed,so it was cold,so there would be no complaining of heat,we have chairs and a table

so i opened the front porch,then opened the house door to leave my stuff,and for my partner to hand me his so that he wouldnt have to carry them around,then closed the door again

He asked to go inside to use the restroom
i told him to call my mom to ask,its a little dumb and also kinda funny,but he did
my mom gave him the ok but to get out as soon as he was done
that was the plan,to get out as soon as he was done.
im oblivious to what he had in mind,one would know in an instant,two teenagers in a house alone,but i honestly didnt,i wish i had stayed in the porch instead of serving him some water

there are some things im not mentioning as im writing this,but every 2 weeks after our second year together,he would ask me for sex,to get intimate,sometimes he wouldnt even ask and just do it,i forced to belive that this was normal in a relationship,that im just new to this kind of intimacy ,and that being uncomfortable to it was totally normal,but we never took it too far,it was always one pleasing the other

this time he took my hand and lead me to my room,first just giving me a hug and little kisses
then it went to touching,i knew that when intimate touch would start,he woulnt stop
but i told him nicely to stop,he didnt,he said it was ok and to relax
i then held back tears,and asked time and time again,but he didnt want to

you can guess what happened next.
After all of it,i didnt even wait for him to leave,i started to cry without stopping,it was then and only then,when he realized he fucked up
i was scared,i felt unsafe,i wanted to call my mom and ask her what to do

my mom was going to be so dissapointed,but i want her help

he tried to calm me down
but for the first time after a year,i screamed
i kept screaming and crying,hoping i was just having a bad nightmare and whatever just happened didnt actually happen

it wasnt,and told him to leave,he did

that happened in february

i didnt break things off with him after it happened

i started thinking about everything we went through,if i was just gonna throw it away for something i thought at the time was dumb for crying and screaming that loud

but when i saw him after all of that,he acted like nothing happened
i kept my word about going out,trying to get my communication back

i got out more,made a few new friends,i would check the time and see that i had hundreds of messeges from him asking if i was ok,since i wasnt responding to him,i just enjoyed my day instead and responded whenever i got home,i was still mad at him.
then he would want to hang out more and more,he came over every.day,my mom was uncomfortable,she couldnt be in comfy clothes because every day he would come over,imagine not being comfortable in your OWN HOUSE because a man came over every day," cant be witthout a bra" was one of the examples she gave me,i laughed back then
but then realized how stressful it was that when i had some free time,he would always come by,and didnt leave untill 1AM
then i too coulnt get dressed comfortably,because if i ever had shorts on,or a shirt with no sleeves,that man just coulnt control himself,even after what happened
so i too started to wear covering clothes and pants
when he started getting touchy again without listening,i broke it off.

now all im hearing is that he was the one,why did i do it,we had so much history etc

worst thing is,i havent told my mom anything.
i cant keep anything from her,shes my mom and i love her so much,its so painfull to hear my mom talk about him saying that he was a nice guy,that he never did anything bad and wants to know why i broke things off with him

i dont want to see her face if i ever tell her,i never want to see that,but my brain imagines it every night

on may 14th,her and i had the fight of a lifetime
that day was when i had the worst panic attack of my life
i thought my mom hated me,she said i was acting weird ever since the break up and i just snapped telling her that if i didnt wanna talk about it,she should respect it,but i said it in a tone that wasnt required at all,so we had a scream off
then over the days she would say comments about me to her friends,that im just whining because i broke things off with a nice guy,that it was my fault

i cant even blame her,she didnt know what happened,i didnt tell her

i live outside of the us,in mexico,my mom and i left the us to start a better life with her family,she was born and raised there,i was born in the us,and she took me to mexico 3 years later

i have 2 siblings living in the us,i was at a point where my head was hurting every night from crying,listening to what my mom had to say,i called my sister in the most horrible mental state i was in,and without explaining anything to her i begged her to get me a ticket to the US to be with her and my brother with tears,so she did

i was leaving on the 22th,my mom apologized on the 18th and i got some last day happy moments with her

i didnt block my now x partner,now he was acting stalkerish,asking me if it was true that i was going to leave. i didnt respond and i now had fear of what he would do if he knew the date

i didnt tell any of my friends that i was leaving,nor the date
untill on the 21st all of that fear went away,im leaving. i cant leave without saying goodbye to my friends,to my brother from another mother

so i sent a messege to my closest friends,and i had a wonderfull last day with them,i fought myself so many times to not cry,my mom got pizza for us,she thought i was going to leave without saying goodbye,my aunt and uncle came by that day too,i didnt know about it,i didnt know they wanted to be with me for my last day,they are my favorite people,they have been ever since i met them,and me not telling them i was leaving was selfish,my mom knew that i was going to regret it if i didnt say goodbye though,so it was just my mom,my family and my friends having a great time,my friends stayed untill 4am with me,when they left,my mom and i didnt sleep,we just talked,watched our favorite shows and had a nice time

i didnt cancel the flight because i was still scared about my ex parter,i figured i needed time to myself,in a new place where i felt safe

i never want to feel what i felt when i saw my mom in the airport,crying because i was leaving,my mexican mama never cries in front of me,shes always so positive,even as she was crying she was telling me to not cry,to have fun with my siblings and to make new memories

i originally had no return plans to mexico,my ex parter and i had the same friend group,he would say whatever he wants about me and they would choose who to belive,i have a fear of seeing him out while im out,we live nearby
the band i fought my mom to be in,i have to leave it,he's there

im going to leave so many things that i love because of that man,but id rather my safety then being alone with him ever again

but i am returning to mexico,im honestly scared to even say the date here,thats how scared i am of this man ever finding this,but i left my friends for granted,they know that i dont like living here in the US, so getting a random messege at 2 am saying "hey im leaving in 2 days btw" was shockig to them,my family wanted me to stay,i had a one on one talk with my aunt,shes very cool,but she was scared that i was loosing myself because of a guy,i reassured her,i was going to be ok,just needed some time,we hugged for awhile

and my mom.
its always been her and i,i cant belive i left her over fear,worst part is i think she feels that i left because of her,she wont ever find this,but i never left because of her,i wish i could tell her that,but then shes going to ask why i did it,and im not ready to tell her what happened
she still dosent know.

how do i tell a mom that her kid went through something like that without it crushing her.





its now 1 day untill august and i feel like i made a horrible mistake,im in the US writing this,my mom asks me if im going to take my flight early and maybe come back,and it breaks my heart to tell her not yet.all of this because of a guy
i miss my friends,my family
my mom,shes all alone in a 2 floor home,her knee hurts and she has to go up and down stairs everyday just because i asked for a 2nd floor for my 16th birthday when i was 12,to make a music studio,and she actually made it happen,it was a joke at first,but she actually made it happen,we had a routine that i would clean the 2nd floor and she the first,then we would go to our nearest soriana and get some tostadas de la siberia,i miss hanging out with her so much.
i mis her so so much