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I just wanted to say, when i wanted to call you, it was cause i was about to have a meltdown and i knew you would be able to cheer me up. I dont know if jordyn told you but we got into an argument about 2 hours ago. Why i was crying? I was crying because i knew i wouldnt be able to hold on for much longer. I dont know what i plan to do with myself. I just know i need to find a way to hold on for a while longer.I really want to. Ive been having panic attacks so much more often. Ive been in so many fights. With friends and family. Im not happy and i dont know how to change that. This is really hard for me. I cried for maybe an hour; i have no more tears now. My chest just feels heavy and it hurts. i dont want to come to you just when i need help. i hope it doesnt seem like that. i know sean told me i treat you like shit and only come to you when i need help but thats not true. I just dont know if you ever want to talk to me. I get told so many things i dont know what to believe. for example, today while walking with jordyn and her best friend kasie, jordyn started talking about you and her but i wasnt paying attention till i heard kasie say "dont you hate him? like i thought you really didnt like him" and i wanted to say something but i was scared. I just said what do you mean and she said "tbh i used to really really hate him" i thought you should know that. you might also tell her that and she might hate me but i dont care anymore. She hates me already. I dont know what to do. thats up to you guys. I know you probably know this but i hate myself. Like alot. sometimes i wish i wasnt here. I was told i was getting fat and jordyn was like during summer i lost a lot of weight i dont know if ill be able to fit the school uniform anymore and it made me feel like shit cause i didnt know i had to be losing weight to. I didnt know i was suppose to have 2 summer boyfriends. Or have a thing going on with a new kid when school started a week ago. Im not sure what im suppose to be doing, Saying all this could make you hate me. Well im sorry. and im sorry you had to deal with me before, i really am. I hope you can understand :)
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