Notes

The Real Way to Love Oneself
We are bombarded with advice on how to love oneself these days. It's likely that you'll find self-love manifesting candles topped with rose quartz or cards embossed with Brene Brown's self-compassion quotes if you visit your favorite local gift shop. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok and youll probably encounter influencer types spouting self-love advice that often ignores the many complex reasons why someone might struggle with self-wortha barrage of you just have to love yourself toxic positivity that was brilliantly (and hilariously) portrayed in the second episode of Euphoria season 2.

Self-love sells. What if we aren't buying it? Though Kat from Euphoria may not be serious, most mental health professionals will tell you, in one way or another, that feeling kinder to yourself and more accepting of yourself is essential to mental health as well as healthy relationships. There are, however, several factors (trauma, years of self-criticism, and systemic discrimination) that allow this simple-sounding practice to become far more complicated and difficult to implement.

If you clicked on this article, you probably need support in self-compassion. In order to help with this situation, we consulted a few therapists who specialize in it. Check out these practical tips on how to (really) love yourself-no inspirational quotes required (although they can also help).

1. Define self-love as a practice, not a destination.
Officially loving yourself has no finish line. The love we have for ourselves is neither constant nor permanent. It's also not the same as being in love with yourself, so if the word love doesn't feel right, work toward acceptance or neutrality instead. In this fairytale world, everything needs to be perfect for love to be real, Whitney Goodman, LMFT, author of Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Happiness, tells Self. Not all aspects of ourselves must be loved, and certain days will be easier than others. Just like with other long-term relationships, sometimes loving ourselves is just commitment, perseverance, acceptance, or general neutrality, licensed clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, PhD, an assistant professor at Northwestern University and author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, tells SELF. The act of accepting and being kinder to yourself doesn't happen overnight.

2. Understand that you do not have to love your reality to love (or accept, or forgive) yourself.
I imagine your closest friends and family are the ones who show up with love when you are at your lowest, least successful, insert-negative-adjective best. Imagine yourself treating yourself the same way. Despite our faults, we love our friends and family, but it's hard to love ourselves. If we realize that perfection isn't an essential part of loving other people or loving oneself, we can begin to practice self-acceptance and, maybe eventually, self-love, Adia Gooden, PhD, the TED speaker who gives talks on unconditional self-worth, tells SELF.

Anyone who has struggled with woulds, shoulds, and coulds knows how difficult it is to accept your mistakes and imperfections. Goodman says that, in his work with clients, he sees that a great deal of their suffering results from a longing to change things. Her practice of dialectical behavior therapy is called radical acceptance, which helps individuals accept their lives while also having hope for the future.
Read More: https://www.self.com/story/how-to-love-yourself