Notes

What You Need to Know About Loving Yourself
Advice on how to love yourself is everywhere these days. There are likely to be self-love manifesting candles topped with rose quartz, positive affirmation card decks, and pillows emblazoned with Brene Brown's quotes about self-compassion in your local gift shop. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok and youll probably encounter influencer types spouting self-love advice that often ignores the many complex reasons why someone might struggle with self-wortha barrage of you just have to love yourself toxic positivity that was brilliantly (and hilariously) portrayed in the second episode of Euphoria season 2.

Self-love sells. Were we really fooled by it, though? It may seem cheesy or oversimplified, but most mental health professionals will tell you, in one way or another, that being kinder to and accepting of yourself will aid in your mental wellbeing as well as your relationships. Some factors (trauma, years of self-criticism, systemic discrimination, to name a few) can complicate this simple-sounding practice, making it much more difficult.

It is likely that you are in need of some self-compassion support if you have clicked on this article. To help us with this, we consulted therapists specializing in the subject. The authors provide some practical tips for how to (really) love yourself-and no inspirational quotes are required (although they are always welcome).

The first step to self-love is to think of it as a practice, not a destination, and define it for yourself.
You cannot cross a finish line once you have officially loved yourself. Self-love cannot be sustained or permanent. As well, it is not the same as being in love with yourself, so if the word "love" does not feel right to you, try working toward acceptance or neutrality instead. Whitney Goodman, LMFT, author of Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, explains that we often define love in a fairytale sense where everything must be perfect. Not everything about us must be cherished, and some days will be easier than others. Just like with other long-term relationships, sometimes loving ourselves is just commitment, perseverance, acceptance, or general neutrality, licensed clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, PhD, an assistant professor at Northwestern University and author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, tells SELF. Don't expect new thinking patterns to emerge overnight: It takes practice to accept and be kind to oneself.

It is not necessary to love your reality in order to love (or accept, or forgive) yourself.
You can envision your closest friends and family members showing up for you when you're at your worst, least successful, insert-negative-adjective self. Consider how you would treat yourself if you were in the same situation. In spite of the faults of our friends and family, we still love them despite them, but for many of us, it's so hard to love ourselves in spite of our faults. In realizing that perfection is not an essential condition to loving others or loving ourselves, we can begin to practice self-acceptance and, maybe eventually, self-love, Adia Gooden, PhD, who has given nearly a million TED Talks about unconditional self-worth, tells SELF.

In reality, accepting your mistakes and imperfections can sometimes feel out of reach for those who have been weighed down by woulds, shoulds, and coulds. Most of the suffering clients experience is a longing to see things differently, Goodman says. By utilizing a dialectical behavior therapy practice called radical acceptance, she helps people accept their reality while still having hope for the future.
Homepage: https://www.self.com/story/how-to-love-yourself