Notes

A Real Guide to Loving Yourself
We are bombarded with advice on how to love oneself these days. It's likely you'll find rose quartz-topped self-love manifesting candles, positive affirmation cards, and pillows bearing Brene Brown's self-compassion quotes on your local gift shops. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok and youll probably encounter influencer types spouting self-love advice that often ignores the many complex reasons why someone might struggle with self-wortha barrage of you just have to love yourself toxic positivity that was brilliantly (and hilariously) portrayed in the second episode of Euphoria season 2.

Self-love sells. Were we really sold on it? It may seem cheesy or oversimplified, but many mental health professionals will say, in one way or another, that being kinder and more accepting of yourself is important for both mental health and relationships. Some factors (trauma, years of self-criticism, and systemic discrimination, to name a few) can complicate this seemingly simple practice.

If you clicked on this article, you probably need some help with self-compassion. That's why we consulted a few therapists who specialize in the area. Their practical tips will help you love yourself (actually), without inspirational quotes (though those are fine, too).

The first step to self-love is to think of it as a practice, not a destination, and define it for yourself.
You cannot cross a finish line once you have officially loved yourself. Neither self-love nor self-respect are permanent. As well, it's not the same thing as loving yourself, so if you have trouble accepting the word love, consider working on acceptance or neutrality. Whitney Goodman, LMFT, author of Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, explains that we often define love in a fairytale sense where everything must be perfect. Everyday will be different, and we won't always have a comfortable feeling about ourselves. Just like with other long-term relationships, sometimes loving ourselves is just commitment, perseverance, acceptance, or general neutrality, licensed clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, PhD, an assistant professor at Northwestern University and author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, tells SELF. Acceptance and kindness to yourself don't happen overnight: Like any habit, they have to be practiced.

2. Understand that you do not have to love your reality to love (or accept, or forgive) yourself.
Think about the people who show up for you when you're feeling your worst, least successful, or insert-adjective here. If you were to treat yourself that way, would you feel the same way? It's hard for many of us to love our faulty selves despite the faults in our friends and family. In realizing that perfection is not an essential condition to loving others or loving ourselves, we can begin to practice self-acceptance and, maybe eventually, self-love, Adia Gooden, PhD, the TED speaker who gives talks on unconditional self-worth, tells SELF.

If you've ever felt weighted down by wrongs and imperfections, you know how difficult it can be to accept your mistakes and imperfections. The majority of my clients' suffering is a yearning for something different, Goodman says. By utilizing a dialectical behavior therapy practice called radical acceptance, she helps people accept their reality while still having hope for the future.
Homepage: https://www.self.com/story/how-to-love-yourself