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I guess you may well have blocked me, in which case I have no idea how Skype works nowadays and whether you'll see this. I just feel like I owe you a lot more than you've got, and I hope maybe writing this down could help, if there's any help you need, or something.
Getting messages like this from people you've had connections with or whatever is always that 'crawling back for more? go fuck yourself.' moment, so I'll just say that's not what this is about nor ever was. I'm not in that place, and I wouldn't let you find yourself in that place with me even still. I hope you've found someone wonderful that deserves you by now, but if you haven't, don't lose heart, it will happen.
By way of explanation (or read expletive expletive excuses, depending on your mood) then, I slipped. Couldn't do it. It felt too familiar, and too much like I was guaranteed to fuck it up, so in my catastrophically flawed brain I became paralysed into not responding. I saw your messages, I read them, I cried, I lay awake staring at the ceiling, then when I couldn't keep my eyes open any more I slept for days at a time. I just didn't know how or what to do. The coward's way out then, I guess. The truth is that I'm too flawed, I can't relax, and I can't sort out the most basic of problems in my life still. Somehow I'd floated through the last few years unaware of this, by the grace of good fortune and dumb luck. No more. I'm trying to work on me now, and failing at that too. This message is a step in what I hope is the right direction. If it's not for you, delete it, ignore it, block me forever, whatever works for you - you have every right to whatever recourse you choose.
By way of apology then, I really couldn't be more sorry about this. I don't know how I had the good fortune to meet you, I don't know how I had the good fortune to have you care about me so, and I don't know how I had the good fortune to have you have such a positive effect on me. I'm sorry that I threw that away, I'm sorry that I couldn't get it right, I'm sorry this message has taken so many weeks, I'm sorry for the sacrifices I asked of you, and I'm sorry to know that there really isn't an 'I'm sorry that...' that ought to illicit any response beyond mild disdain.
You deserved better, and I'm sure you'll find it. With love xxx
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