Notes

A sizable portion of my childhood was spent in the care of my beloved grandmother, Dalinda Portillo. For as long as I could remember my grandma would walk around with her little walking cane in one hand and bible in the other, always wrapped in her Virgin Mary blanket that she's had since before I was even born. My childhood summers were spent playing soccer with my cousins outside, that was just about the only thing to do in our small Mexican border town of Camargo, and coming back inside to eat my sweet grandmothers scrambles eggs served with a side of orange rice and a large Mexican coke. My grandmother was there for all my accomplishments and was always the first to tell me she was proud of me, sometimes the only one. Just like everyone else, when COVID struck, my academics came crashing down. Online school did not treat me good at all, I had lost all spark and motivation for my academics. I was always a very social kid that benefited from having classmates around me, but in online school is was just me and my dreadful thoughts alone in a dark room for 8 hours a day. After barley scraping by the worst academic school year of my life I felt as if online school had swallowed me, chewed me, and spit me back out with no motivation for school left. I was already mentally exhausted, and on June 10th, 2021 I woke up to the news that my poor grandmother had passed away in her sleep. My entire world seemingly halted to a complete stop. I couldn't accept the news, I refused to believe that the strongest motherly figure in my life was no longer with me. The one person I knew would always be there to tell me that god had a greater plan for me, and to keep pushing forward. What was the point of life anymore? Who would I talk to at night? Its safe to say that I was in absolute denial. A week after my grandmothers passing I completely cut everyone in life who loved me loose. All my beloved friends, my wrestling coach, and my at the time girlfriend. Shortly after this I planned to take my own life. Starting July of 2021 I journaled what I thought were the last days of my life. On the faithful day of July 29th 2021 I attempted to take my own life via overdose. Obviously my attempt was unsuccessful, seeing as I'm writing this essay right now, but I was just that close to the other side. I went to sleep and woke up in my mothers arms, and this is a sight I will never forget, her pleading the lord to forgive me for my sin of self harm. Waking up after coming to accept that everything was coming to an end was like a wave of relief and motivation washing over my soul. Suddenly I was full of life and a childlike curiosity for the wonders that this world and society has to give us. I wanted to live again, I had risen from my depressive coma, if I could defeat suicide there is not feat large enough that I couldn't tackle. College is just among the feats that I will relentlessly tackle in my life, with the search for financial freedom coming after that degree touches my hands. I vow to be the first college graduate in my family and to start an Aggie Legacy, my parents never even attended elementary, but my children will have something far greater to look up to than I did in my childhood.