Notes

It's a sorry state of affairs. I am alone inside my thoughts. Everyday life makes me feel like sicking up. I have no one to talk to about how I feel. I don't want to seem like I am hungry for attention. So, I just don't say anything. I tell my wife that I feel bad sometimes but not how bad I really feel. She often replies, "Me too," and we just leave it at that. I used to not be this way as often as I am now. True, I was a moody teen, but weren't we all moody as teens?

I have no hate in my heart for anyone or anything. Few people have ever done me wrong, I cannot recall doing anyone wrong, myself, and I have a grand total of zero enemies. So why do I feel such an ever-increasing sadness/dread/anxiety? I can't even pinpoint the exact nature of my feelings! I am mentally like a slug, inching around in constant malaise.

I have read that exercise helps stave off the dread better than anything. So, I have made the activity the focal point of my life. It is but a temporary reprieve; after finishing a session, I soon sink back to baseline. If only I could exercise through every one of my waking hours.

I used to love to learn! I tell myself I still do, but I lack the time and motivation to put forth the effort of acquiring new knowledge. Knowing this, does that description even apply to me anymore? I, personally, think not.

I wish someone would give me a sign; I wish a light would appear to guide me to my destiny; I wish my life had more meaning than it presently does. I love being alive! I am a morning person, and I love the feeling of waking up before the Sun rises, making myself a pot of coffee and reading a work of fiction to take me out of reality for a bit before I have to go to work.

I have mixed feelings about talking to people. Strangers are a negative, for sure. Every conversation I have with people I know, excluding family, feels like a test or competition or performance, and I'm failing every one the tests, losing every one of the competitions, and getting tomatoes thrown at me at the end of every performance.