Notes

why can't I ever get anything right I fuck up every relationship I've been in and I haven't been able to sleep because I got to attached to some girl and ended up getting broken because I took my anger out on someone who didn't deserve it and now I'm feeling the regret because now I realized how badly I hurt her and I can't take five seconds to check up and see how life has been because I'm so worried about myself that I don't care about how anyone else is doing as long as I'm doing ok and I've been trying to change but it hasn't been easy my mom has been going through stuff and my dad is an alcoholic and my brother is doing drugs and I'm the only normal one in my family and it's not easy to be the only one at home that actually cares about their health but I let it motivate me to do better and not give up and for that I leave and get breaks from my family but I make sure not to get in trouble and to be home before midnight because I'm trying to be a NFL player and I can't do that with a messy record got to keep it clean no matter how hard it is and one of my biggest motivations is my amazing friend group they help me when I'm not feeling it and keep e to keep going and not just give up after a couple bad relationships stop me from what I want to become and never just give up because they want me to do what I want to because it doesn't matter what they think they dint control my life I do so that's why ever Tho I have so many bad things going on I don't give up on football because it's what brings me joy and that's hard to do it's just something about hitting someone it just helps get rid of the pain I've had for a minute I'm not sure if its the whole hitting thing or what but something about it helps me keep going everyday and its changed who I am not right away but I can tell its changed me a lot not in a bad way I believe it was for the best if I didn't join a probably wouldn't be here writing this bit I am and that all that matters because I realize how many people I matter to and I've never realized that till now and now that I have I know that if I do end it a lot of people will be hurt. And I've been trying to stay out of a relationship because I don't want to have to worry about something else other football and its easier said than done but I've been trying as much as I can but it's not going so well I'm falling into what feels like a love trap and I'm just going to get hurt from falling in love so that's another reason I'm trying to stay single but I guess I'm just to nice and I'm falling for the trap I'm trying not to budge but I'm falling for it and budging and it's killing me that this is how im going into 8th grade I just feel like I don't want to feel that pain again but I want to feel that love again lo im stuck and dont know how to get out of this phase but I've been trying to but it's not as easy as I thought.