Notes

DO NOT READ

I cannot forgive but I have sinned.

Imma just ramble here.

I am human in the sense of ‘to err is to human’.
Many flaws in my nature

Pride
I have a large and prickly ego. I find it so hard to be wrong, or to show weakness. I want to be ‘something’ but I don’t have a specific ambition. I just want. And I can never seem to satisfy it.
I am artistically crippled. I never sing because I am bad at it. When I paint/draw, I usually copy from a reference. I do not ‘feel’ enjoyment in ‘doing’ stuff, I tend to feel good about the result that I got out of it. Does the sketch look nice (and make me look skilled), does the lego set look as shown on the box, does the instrument make a nice melody. When I think of dancing, I need to know the steps. I go to a club and am always conscious of myself. At the dance floor, I am thinking what step do I need to do. Is this an appropriate way to jump? Is it ok if I raise my hand? Should I just copy what that person is doing? Should I stop copying in case it looks like i am just copying…..
Even in the writing of this, I am half concerned about making it sound ‘deep’ or moving or whatever.

At work, I want to be known to be brilliant. I like the idea of ppl going oh dam that guy is smart. I work at a great place, but my role is not the star of the show. There is an adjacent role, with whom my job 60-70% overlaps already but I want it because that is more like a role that a smart person would go in. I haven’t particularly given a hoot about weird complex math but I sometimes daydream about quant-ish roles coz i like the idea of being one because it is considered smart. I get embarrassed that some think of software engineering as IT.

There is a weird duality in me where I intrinsically want to be seen as smart, want to be seen as good at dancing/social stuff/painting etc but I don’t like that I want that. I want to want otherwise. I want to want enjoying the process of creative generation in whatever media. I want to not care about looking bad. I want to be happy with my career.
But like I don’t. :/

Anyhoo, other stuff:
Schadenfreude - what a cute little word for something so vicious and bitter like revelling in someone’s downfall, their pain. The ego puff from thinking ‘I told em so’ -> I knew better -> I am better
If only everyone just listens to me, there won’t be any problems.

Emotions. I both feel them and don’t. I often don’t realise I am feeling them. I suppress em basically i think. Then I get angry and don’t know it and don’t realise it until I am expressing it and I realise my actions indicate that i might be angry, or more simply if someone points out that i am angry. I instinctively tend to dismiss it tho. Why would I be angry?

I don’t believe in things. Some form of nihilism. But quite possibly again rooted in pride. That I enjoy the fact that I recognise the absurdity of a belief (religious or secular), ie that my self-perception of my intelligence is being validated. I often find myself criticising a view point before I have really given its due. I enjoy pointing out flaws.

I suppose from some of the above i do gather that probably a factor in being so prickly about my pride is that I have reason to be. Ie that i am just a normal person and not anything special. But not something i can accept so i keep trying to justify my intelligence.

I do also find it hard to accept others being good at things in general. Esp i think things i am bad at.

My fantasies are generally of achievement. Wrote a great book, coded an amazing system, finished a very complicated thing, made everyone laugh, got the hottest chick, getting abs. More about how it affects my status than the thing that i did.

Sharp turn!
Lust. Coz why not.
Pretty embarrassed about it. But yeah I’m a pervy horn dog.
I am addicted to porn and masturbation. I say addicted coz i have tried stopping but cannot. Probably started about a decade ago, so slightly fucked (pun hehe).
It probably fucks up my brain too. I consume all kinds of porn- videos, art, comics, text. I tend to prefer like a narrative structure in there. Like not just the sex, but like something around it that helps with the immersion. Like a plot line you know. And not just the big sausage pizza guy. Like i want some setting some little character stuff. There’s some crazy Korean comic stuff that really takes some soft core plot lines and amp it up into straight porn.

Segue (is that how it is spelled)

I consume a lot of fiction via a combination of movies/tv series/ books/comics. And have been doing so for a long time. As a child I used to get validation for it, like whoa what a smart kiddo reading and all, but like its not necessarily a positive thing. If i was reading something of good quality then sure, but a lot of trash that i read doesn’t really do much for my growth or anything, is just trash but in a written medium.
I read a fair bit of fantasy/sci if . Speculative fiction. The most fiction-y fiction, ie not just the characters and the plot are made up but also the setting, the world etc. And I tend to indulge in escapism. Sometimes I don’t feel like reality is real, I am escaping it so much. Immersing so much in so many varied, hyper stimulated worlds that the mundanity of the real world just makes everything so flat.

End aside, but this ties back to porn consumption as well, as i feel that my overuse of porn desensitivizes me from real sexuality. And in an ironic(?) twist, my masturbation has probably physically desensitivised my penis. TLDR sex itself is … ok?
Like the climax is nice and all but like the anticipation/build up of it far exceeds the act itself.

More on my perversions, I objectify women a lot. Often will check them out on the streets. Don’t like that i am like this but to stop eyes from drifting is hard. But related to the above desensitisation, I don’t really fantasise about sex with anyone specific.

Ooh this fun, tying it back to the pride stuff. The act for me is often around trying to perform well rather than any sort of savouring of the moment.