Notes

@temslul
I guess ill just get into why I want to ctb, overwhelming anxiety mixed with a personality disorder and depression (all diagnosed), I have immense trouble doing the most basic of things such as leaving the house, whenever I go out I am in a constant fight or flight thinking everyone around me is going to attack me, because of the personality disorder I subconsciously put on "different masks" completely changing who I am, I can only notice it after a change has happened because it's like waking up from a dream, it's really hard to explain but you somehow change morals and opinions with it. I can start a day in a happier mood where I'm supporting peace for everyone then in a blink I couldn't care if those around me died then and there. Doing research its all some subconscious defense mechanism and its exhausting being a 24/7 actor. At times it has it's uses such as being able to see terrible things and feel nothing or feeling fearless from time to time. The depression I believe just comes with the rest, its never at the forefront of thought when thinking about personal issues its always last on the list. I've had a mix of meds but they all caused physical issue and still left me the same

I'm also pretty sure although not officially diagnosed that I'm autistic in one way or another. I constantly have silly hyper fixations, I'll have burst of something that I love then after a short while it completely fades as if I never liked it in the first place. I have the attention span of a squirrel constantly needing something to mentally stimulate myself otherwise the boredom kicks in and I go straight to dark places. I always find myself talking about stuff I've learnt to people but always get ignored of talked over because they (rightfully so) simply don't care. I've always struggled to express how I'm feeling which works wonders in situation where bottling is the best option but then I have complete inability to tell anyone anything positive. All my life I've been an outcast from early school always left out and ignored then moving into teen years never one to be invited anywhere and on the few times I would go out and try to socialize I would be left silent in the corner because I can't relate to standard problems or interests such as sleeping around, latest rap/pop songs, TV shows etc. Late teens early 20's same story, I would try from time to time but I would be so paranoid about everything I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself, that's not to say I haven't ever had an enjoyable time but it was very rare and hold what little memories I have dearly, what was amazing to me is just standard to others but I put that down to how much of a rare occurrence it was. I often find myself quadruple checking something even if its something tiny which others find odd and tend to mock. Every small detail of my life such as pointless conversations about stuff I learnt/mannerisms/stuff I enjoyed/opinions pretty much ANYTHING that makes a person unique is met with mockery or negative comments which I can't express how much this kills me internally, any so called friend seems to only contact me if they want something, now that im at a stage where I have nothing left to give, on the rare chance I would have even the slightest bit of good news it would be met with negativity or discarded like it's nothing. I know a couple people who are completely neutral which I rate higher because the trade off of nothing positive for no negativity is a damn good deal to me. I have one exception to this of who seems like the only person who cares about me as a person and had gone against their own severe anxiety just to tell me how much I mean to them and is the only person in years and years who made me feel loved, because of other issues of my own this eats me up, I've built up these emotional wall over the years rejecting any form of positive interactions (although this one person chipped through) so anything said to me has no meaning and I've kept that going for years and years, even if someone says they love me its instantly rejected because I'm terrified that if I let someone love me I will let them down or they will screw me over like all the others over the years and I will be left even more hurt, as a coping mechanism over the years I've constantly lied to everyone around me about how im anti love or anti emotional connection to the point I started to believe my own lies (it would allow me to push people away before they could leave), this has worked fine for years and I'm sure I've saved myself a lot of hurt for doing so, with the person mentioned above this has become a massive problem, over the past year they have chipped away at these emotional walls and I care immensely about them, could even go as far to as a say I love them (something I haven't said for years) my issue with this is I can't tell anyone this, I've built and built on a lie and dug myself so far into a hole even if I did tell someone they would laugh it off as if I'm telling a joke, on top of this even though that can show positivity to me and I can accept it (again this is an unbelievably big thing) I lack the ability to say anything positive back, it's like going to speak or type and nothing comes out, I have so much to say yet can't say anything out of fear that I will lose or be screwed over by the only person I can accept love from and that eats me up but feels good to get off my chest. Not sure where I've gone with this but I needed somewhere to be honest for the first time in a decade.

"My world" is complete darkness, for most of my life I've been isolated and miserable, my mother although I assume she meant well just did everything for me, took me out of school due to bullying which started my isolation before I was even a teenager, I was never taught how to function, I hate myself for complaining about an "easy ride" childhood because it wasn't perfect (split parents, didn't see my father as often as I should have to get a heavy impression from both sides) and like I said every problem was solved for me instead of teaching me or giving me the tools to fix it myself mixed with basically being locked away and allowing me to make bad choices from an early age that provided short term gratification, all the bad cycles would repeat and although it "easy" it was miserable, the constant safety net and pretty much raising me to be an idiot in the sense of no basic functioning skills like social interaction, taught how to think (as cliche as it sounds) or allowing me to NEVER leave my comfort zone for years and years. Protecting me from anything and everything so anytime reality hit it made me incredibly depressed which was patched up with some short term solution only for it to repeat, now its repeated so many times I'm stuck still with all the same issues but also incredibly far behind societal standards of friends/decent work/being able to drive/moving out/relationship/children. I'm not trying to play the blame game because of course I take the majority of the responsibility for not sorting myself out a decade ago but its hard when I get brought up with the perfect recipe to be a suicidal low functioning idiot and get met with its purely my responsibility that im a suicidal low functioning idiot who is nothing more than a financial burden at this point, although it gets shut down when I mention it, everything else said and constant complaints about me not contributing anything heavily implies that that's all I am which isn't false, if I were to ctb the only guilt I would feel is that I was a waste of money because its been drummed in so heavily that's all that matters in life.

The icing on the cake was and the whole reason I'm back to considering ctb seriously again is I was working on something to try to make something of my life before it was too late and finally cared about doing something and although progress was slow it was happening and I finally had something regardless of how small it was/is, I'm having to pretty much throw it away to go and get a standard boring meaningless job like I have in the past all of which ends up driving me to attempt or heavily consider it and quit before I do. Again its just because I'm a financial burden and my project wasn't enough yet but I know its going to be the same story as times in the past, because of reasons I can't explain whenever I'm in a job I'm so paranoid of messing up ANYTHING (because I was never taught how to deal with when things go wrong, so I could only teach myself and get into the mind set of NEVER take risk and do everything to prevent ANY chance of a problem) it consumes my every moment, for example I could start at 2pm finish at 10pm and I'll wake up at 8am and DO NOTHING I will sit and wait for the exact minute to leave because I work out how long it takes to get there down to the minute because sometimes employers dislike if you turn up early and even more so if late so I would be there within a minute of starting, the second I finish that shift I am doing NOTHING but waiting for that next one to start making sure every single little thing is perfect, it physically and mentally destorys me. That's of course on top of being the outcast who no one talks too and just ignored until there's something someone else DOESN'T want to do then its pass it off to me knowing I will instantly say yes to avoid any and all confrontation. Oh and boredom catches up and I just plod on with whatever I'm doing while in an extremely dark place wishing every single time on the way there or back I get attacked or hit by a car or something happens that causes me physical harm so I don't have to endure the mental strain for X amount of time. Even after explaining all of that to people its met with "well that's a dumb mindset" or "well the job itself is easy" and I don't understand why they can't just grasp its not by choice, why would anyone choose this but gets met with more negativity or discarded because they don't have an answer to it. Thoughts currently are just ctb before having to endure it again and apologies for being a waste of money all these years but I haven't made my mind up yet.

Sorry for this being so messy, I just needed somewhere to speak freely and honestly for the first time in years about the hurt im experiencing with people who can understand. I'm hoping once posted this will make me feel better than bottling it all up in silence like one big heavy exhale. Please please let me know if i've said anything wrong and I will go back and change it as quickly as possible and I apologies again for it being such a messy unstructured rant. I plan to remain active and if for whatever reason someone has a question I would be more than glad to answer.