Notes

Josi's daring "If I could" notes.
Everybody looks back at certain moments. they wish they would've done this or that. me being human, i also have moments like these. However, my moments look a little different. I often find myself dwelling on the past. I spiral until i find myself in an inescapable dark hole. I spiral until i find myself drowning, desperately breathing for air. there have been so many times where i have wanted to disappear. never exist. just be gone. sometimes i think to myself, why me? why do i feel so isolated, so alone? "nobody deserves to feel this way." honestly, i think there are a million conflicting thoughts that go through my mind. part of me thinks that everything happens for a reason and that all the adversity i face in my life is for some reason i will figure out later in life. the other part of me thinks that i deserve to feel alone and isolated. the real question i ask myself a lot is "will i survive?'' at this point in my life, i thought i would be soaring through the adventures of high school. living life, doing the normal teenage things. and i do take part in these things. but then, every single fucking night, when im alone in my room, isolated, alone, scared. i find myself running back to this feeling. why? i dont know. i will probably never know the true reason. i envy the people that can be happy so effortlesly. staring at their pearly white smiles. enjoying their laughs. making unforgettable memories. what i should be doing during my "golden years." i like to think about some things i do like about myself. like my thought process and finding the deeper meaning of things. i like observing things around me. i like healing people and helping them. i dont like seeing fathers with their daughters. it brings me back to the spiraling "what if" moments. like what if, in that moment, when he told me that