Notes

i guess ill never know if you can enjoy yourself to much, i guess ill never grow if i recoil at your touch. see i dont wanna sound a fool so the moans will stay inside. my fear i use just like a took while from pleasure i will hide. being perceived as desperate is the last thing i want. never ask and just accep t it play it off as nonchalant. but is it supposed to feel good.? will i ever really know. maybe its the lack of fatherhood that ive been trying not to show. so why dose pleasure sometimes just feel like a crime. stoic as a countermeasure and straight faced las a mime. its the fear of your reaction to my reaction to your touch. cant let it dimish your attraction while i still have you in my clutch. its a fear of something changing. its the fear i might regret this vulnerability im extchanging. while i lay drenched in your sweat. cant stop myself from shaking or wanting to grip onto your shirt. see my stomach it starts aching when i feel as clean as dirt. so ill just shut it out. ignore and not accept what i like i start to doubt. getting lost in the concept. maybe it was just a stupid thought ot maybe im to young. maybe intimacy i find to fraugh and maybe ive been wrong. let go and let love is what the poets always say. my fear i will dispose of as my hands let go to your head. so why shouldnt i try. i really only have to once. no need to be shy or ashamed of your presences. and as i let it out like an answer to my prayers. its the ending of a draught. like i finally cleaned the sent of the air~ a i cried about my body. i felt trapped out of control. so i took it into my own hands. i set and reach my goal. it started off with chocolate in a cup. icecream is quite tasty. but its better coming up. the icy cold back in your throat, time and time again. watch the number slowly drop. as the game i start to win. chew it up spit it out. chest and arms. knees and thighs. the smaller number the perfect prize. head bent over the toilet gluttonous and greedy. 30,,27,23 now im just getting needy. dizzy when i stand even mommy thinks im anemic. but ive just become what i planned. a pretty little bulimic. im sorry. im sorry i loved you. im sorry i cared. im sorry i was scared. im sorry i was annoying, im sorry you hate me. im sorry i was worried. im sorry im like this. im sorry im me. im sorry i dont have the "dream" personality you wanted. im sorry im not your dream girl. im sorry i couldnt live up to your expectations. im sorry i made you mad. im sorry i made you sad. im sorry i treated you like shit. im sorry for saying sorry. im sorry i cant express myself. im sorry im not the best. im sorry you played me. im sorry you trapped me. im sorry for you.. im sorry that i could never be who you wanted. im sorry every feeling you had was fake. im sorry im never getting over you. im sorry i cut. im sorry i vent, im sorry i breathe, im sorry im alive, im sorry im me, im sorry you cant trust me, im sorry i cant trust you, im sorry our relationship meant nothing to you, im sorry you fucked up. im sorry you were toxic. im sorry you werent here. im sorry i cant control my emotions. im sorry im either to much of something or not enough. im sorry you felt different and never told me. im sorry your slowly falling out of love. im sorry you dont tell me anything. im sorry we ever met. im sorry i was on roblox that one night. im sorry i talked to you. im sorry i didnt brake your heart. im sorry. you mean the world to me and i never got the chance to tell u how much i cared about you. i never really had the guts to tell you how i felt. i cant believe your still here. i dont know why you stayed.. all i know is im happy your here and idc abt anything else in this world besides ~you~ your my everything honestly. im so glad we met. idek how. i bonded with you. i bond with no one. but honestly we js clicked.. we had the right buttons and we made something out of that. something im not sure what it is yet. were still figuring it out as we go. im glad we met i really am. i never thought ppl like you rlly did exist. the perfect combo of loyal and funny. and sweet. and caring. and amazing. you make me not wanna kms. you make me feel alive without having to create pain. you make me feel like.. like im someone you made me realize who i was. and im so happy that i knew who i was. im so happy you stopped by and stayed. im grateful your alive im happy i never commited. and thats what i wouldve said if you didnt leave me in peices.