Notes

I understand I said some hurtful things. I genuinely did not mean them.
I was overwhelmed. Not by the requests or even you saying what I needed to do to get the ball rolling, but by my own emotions that arose when we started talking about Alan.
I started to shake inside and my mind went completely anxious.
I couldn't help how I felt at the moment. I just knew that I needed some time. It didn't come out right at all. It came off bratty like I was angry. In the moment it felt like everything was NOW NOW NOW.

I wasn't meaning like I was going to push this project off another day because it's beautiful and I am forever grateful for your love and dedication that you're putting into it.
I know it's not the easiest thing knowing what he and my family put you through.
I wasn't even trying to come off like what you were requesting was a bother, because it isn't a chore to me, it's not something that I don't want to do, because I want to do it with you more than anything.

I am excited, it warms my heart, but it also felt like that wound was opened up again, like my heart was being stabbed literally right when we started talking about him.
I told you I got PTSD over it. I get flashbacks to a lot of shit that happened that day. It's trauma.
I was trying to explain to you I was traumatized, I kept repeating it and I know it didn't make no sense. I was trying to tell you I was getting PTSD flashbacks.
I was overwhelmed with a sense of grief in a split second and I couldn't explain it. It was a tornado of emotions all at once.

When I told you that you don't understand, I was trying to tell you that you don't understand how I felt in that present moment.
I wasn't trying to tell you that you could never understand how I feel. That just because it happened to Alan like you don't understand shit. Alan is OUR brother. I will always know you've been through some shit.
I know you have lost brothers before, especially brothers like Lucky.
I was trying to say and what I meant was that you didn't understand how I was feeling or what was even going on with me in the present moment, that I was struggling to gather any type of coherent thought because I couldn't get it out AT ALL.
I was silent and not saying anything because I was seeing shit in my head when we were in the mountains inside that bathroom, you speeding down to GBORO, and sitting in front of his burial alone at the cemetery.
I was processing a lot and it was completely separate from the conversation that you were trying to have with me. I couldn't comprehend a lot of things you were trying to tell me at that moment, I shut down heavy at that very moment.

It came off way left and completely wrong.
You're my wife and I would never mean to say some hurtful shit to you.
Your intentions are pure, I love that, and I love you for that.
All I want you to know is that I love you, what I was feeling and trying to say didn't come out right, but I want to make it right so that we can see eye to eye.
I'm shaking right now typing and it has nothing to even do with you, I'm seeing a lot of shit in my head and I don't know how to get it to stop so I can function and do this shit right and not be distracted by emotions.

I felt like in that moment I just needed to be held bro, I was scared asf, nothing to do with you, I was scared of my own thoughts.
I was fucked up, I really do apologize for taking it out on you.
I love you too much not to take accountability for the things I said and for the confusion you must've had as to why I was behaving that way.
I will always be grateful and cherish the love you have for me and OUR family.