Notes

i dont know why. i cant be normal like at all. i get overwhelmed too easily, i get to overstimulated too easily, i get mad easily. I cant be normal. Im not normal. There's something wrong with me and i dont know what it is. i miss when i was younger and happy. i dont know what it is that happend to me to make me feel like this. probably isolation. i was in 4th grade when isolation started. I didnt have any friends except for alexander. he moved schools i think because i dont see him. i dont remember how he looked like. all i remember was that he was my friend in 4th grade. in 5th grade i was worse. i had breakdowns every night, i wouldn't do my homework, i had bad grades, i couldn't take care of my self, i cutted myself, i was messed up. and right now i take care of myself,i do my homework, i have good grades, and i take care of myself, and i no longer cut myself. I've been 3 years clean. yayy. . but still even if i stopped my terrible habits that i had a few years ago. im still a little messed up. i still have breakdowns. I may have stable grades but i work hard for the satisfaction for the validation for the "i'm proud of you" for the "you're doing great". back to when i was in 5th grade i never felt that validation and satisfaction. Why? I had terrible grades. I always got the "what happend to you", " you need to do better" "what happend to my smart little girl?". The thing is i always force myself to be that girl that gets good grades and brags about getting awards at school for being smart. At this point i just ended up losing myself. At the end of the day, I'm the fakest person you'll ever meet. I don't have a true personality. I have a different personality that i show when im with other people. When im with my family members, I'm that shy girl that isolates herself, when im with my friends im the girl who cracks jokes every few seconds, when im with my parents im the girl who gets mad at everything and everyone and the girl who cant take care of herself. I am not normal. I wish i could know why, I can't ask people for help because they'll think that i'm weird. Mental illnesses are looked down upon in my family. I can't possibly have a mental illness!? I was pretty nornal as a child! i had friends who loved me, i had a mom who was always proud of me, i had cousins that played with me, i had a school who was welcoming and kind. how could i possibly have a mental illness?? The only person who can tell me what is wrong with me is a doctor. I can't tell my mom to take me to the doctor's office to find out what's wrong with me and the moment i open my mouth " oh she is insane! " "we need to send her to a mental hospital " " oh she's weird " "she's not normal!". I make up worlds so that i can atleast get away from whatever i'm struggling with. You know. . Sometimes I wish i was never born. If i was never born my mom wouldn't have to deal with me and she would be happy and peaceful. I hope i end up finding whats wrong with me and i can recover from this. but for now. I'm a girl who isolates herself.