Notes

How does it feel to love someone with entire heart & mind? I realized within last four months. It may seem as if I am lying because recently some of the things went wrong, but wait while you've read the whole note here.

I was waiting for long for someone to give all my efforts, who could make me do things again. Somewhere I had this belief that it is going to be my last love so I had no doubts about giving my best to it - time, emotions & efforts. While loneliness was pushing me to give-up, I realized that I'm taking interest in doing things for you. Without you knowing it, I found that I like you, in September.
Despite of all the facts you had told me that you can't love, you're so rich and so much that could make me not try to think future with you, I decided to try. So I decided to quit internet & leave you my number. If you're really interested in me, you'd come or else let it happen what has to happen with my life in absence of finding true love.

You replied. We started talking.

What has made me fall for you was your honesty and care. It made me believe that you are sincere because either you will say things you really mean or you would plainly deny them. And I also started sharing everything about my life, trying to tell each little incident while expecting the same from you. But your pauses & conflicts hurt me for the first time. I still had the belief in you so I continued.
I tried my best to know what you can't tell me without making you feel guilty. Remember that 5 am where you conflicted about his dirty chats made you feel angry upon him while you told me you were not in love with him and he threatened you about spoiling your image to make you fall in love?
Conflict 1 : He was killing himself that made you fall in love with him as in 10 percent, 20 percent etc, then how it is threatening about spoiling your image?

Again in the story as it continued, you told me that you never got physical with him. Later you told me that he kissed you but you never let him kiss your lips. But later you confessed you had your first kiss but as it was done by him only, you consider it as no kiss at all (12 november) & then you said that you never accepted that he ever forced you to do anything because he was in true love with you (12 november) -
Conflict 2 : If he never forced you, why did you kiss him if you were not in love with him?
Conflict 3 : And if you kissed him then why dont you consider it as your first kiss?
Now you only imagine if you can trust someone who says he's virgin after so many changing words? It doesnt make any difference if you did it or not, what makes a difference is I am dying inside to know what's the truth. Maybe for you it makes a huge difference to accept what it actually is, but you will not understand that it can take someone to the end of life. Because I still cant believe you can do this to me so I ignore the conflicts in my thoughts but they subconsciously are killing me. Because the one who matters the most to me is doing this to me.

You went to university guy because you were stressed due to Karthik's emotional blackmailing and you got caught in both relationships for 2 years?
Conflict 4 : I know he had put you in a situation where you could not tell him that you had started liking another guy. It's possible that what your brother said that Karthik only pushed you to fall in love with another guy has given you a reason why it happened. But 2 years is a long time to be in two simultaneous relationships.

Some things in this note might have made you angry I know, this is because I cant understand the truth and I had to talk about the possibilities which irritated you. There is only one single truth that you know. You know better whats more important for you - your image which you think will get spoiled if you tell me one pure story without conflicts or my condition which is surely going to do something worse to me soon. I know you may have lost confidence in me while I did efforts to find out truth to heal my anxiety like that day when I again asked about Mickey, that breast message thing and I got too hurt that I told you I am leaving and I was lying that it doesnt hurt me. Even that day, I nowhere judged you about your character like you think, I just said it hurts me a lot how you add things each time.

Many other things bother me each minute. Meditation, going out, depression medicines, talking to family and friends (none now), nothing helps me. I am just sleeping in quilt or crying or walking in anxiety from here to there. If I walk out of your life, I feel guilty as I dont know exact truth which will make me regret whole life (which wont be big if I endup in guilt). If I stay, I crave to sort out conflicts and a lot you might still not have shared with me and insecurities follow. I believe you can be as comfortable to me as with your own self. I believe you even after there is so much I cant understand. I believe you will clarify everything and take me out of this pain. If this was not important for me, I would have been able to smile, eat, sleep, talk well, focus on study, go out, enjoy, create music etc. But all I do is to find answers. Nothing else I can say to make you believe how much important it is for me that the one I love doesnt leave me in doubts.

For you it might be surrounded by family and an aim in life, for me I see nothing but dark room and very afraid heart making me feel something bad is going to happen. I cannot tell you how it feels like but if you have ever felt depressed, anxious, guilty and lonely at the same time with a fear of losing someone due to your own mistake - trust me I am in an emergency situation. I know its your exam time, urgent time. I just wanted to tell it's out of my control now, otherwise the one who supported you so much in your thesis would never do such a thing if it was not too much for me.

I am exhausting writing a lot and a lot which I may not have written out of my numb brain of thinking all the time. Where should I go? Is value of my life so small that everything else is so important than my pain and possibility that I will giveup? It is never serious until something serious happens to someone. I am just trying to get help from you as a human if not your lover or someone you might be hating now or think who will blame you or spoil your image or something. I am just againn begging you for the last time. Please hit me with truths than conflicts and possible things not yet shared. I am not asking to blame you but for my own peace which I have tried so many times in these two months, right way and wrong way and I apologize for the wrong ways but my pain is literally killing me and I giveup in front of you. I lose, you win. Please save me now. I dont have courage to talk to you again. I dont have courage to face your disappointment or shouting on me or scolding me. I dont have courage to again listen same things which have conflicts and which will make me hopeless that I wont ever find answers and peace. Please do something indirectly to save me. I dont know, I love you and I believe you will save me. I have loved you so deeply that I apologize whatever I did to find out answers, and no one else but you will save me that's why I find it better to quit this painful life than asking anyone else than you to tell me my answers.