Notes

It's one of those days.
A feel an unnerving energy within.
For no particular reason, I feel dispirited.
I'm okay. I know I'm okay.
So why is this feeling around?

That's a question I cannot answer.
Or I guess I prefer not answering.
Because it'll lead me nowhere but
---------
Peace.
I do, yes I do, have it within.
Though sometimes, I've found it
in a place, a situation, as an item, a memory or a person.
Today, I found it in a moment.
Though It came by and soon faded away.
I was so grateful it stayed, even for awhile.

Just because I've shown my vulnerable and bad sides doesn't mean I'd allow you to keep taking advantage of them
Or just because I've put my walls down at certain times or to a degree, doesn't mean that
you can have the pleasure of doing so whenever or however you want.

When I say how I'm treated. We started friendship in a very different manner. I wasn't looking for a friendship or looking towards having a deep one. I have the right to refuse and avoid relationships I don't want to progress or be established. But I allowed them to happen, more so, I allowed you guys to see many of my sides, which means seeing me vulnerable.

When you guys showed yours, I didn't ask for it. But when I showed mine, you guys needed it in order to "understand" me. But i've felt like I made the wrong decision. Because I have been spoken to or treated in ways that I wouldn't allow to be spoken to, even by people close to me. You guys weren't even like that at the start of our relationship. Although in the early early part of our relationship, I didn't mind because we aren't close or we didn't have any deep or expectations of you guys being part of my life. But now that you guys are part of my life, within my spaces and are now people I care about or represent me, it's become a different thing. The group or friendship dynamic has changed.

I don't think you realize it. Or maybe yes you do, but the gravity of what I'm saying, you don't. Because by the way you guys have acted and have went on has shown me otherwise. Like someone saying I love you, but proceeds to disrespect my boundaries. Or someone that says "I understand you" or "I know you", yet I don't feel understood at all, with how they still assume, say or do things that I often times disagree with.

Which goes back to my point again, I show and share about myself because you guys need it to know me and know how to act or be with me, at least.