Notes

The Girl Who Lost Her Ways
A long time ago there was this girl who thought she knew the world. She believed she knew everything it had to offer. The girl never believed she was wrong, but she quickly realized that's all she ever was. Everyone tried to warn her about the chaos of reality. When she opened her eyes past the light and saw the darkness everything changed in the blink of an eye. All she believed in vanished like it never existed to begin with. No one truly loved her; they loved using her for what she had to offer. The attention she gave society by defeating anything in her path to help someone who was in desperate need. This girl never gave up no matter how tired or weak she became. Why was she built this way?
She was completely lonely like a ghost with no soul. Her family wasn't even a piece of what she imagined. Her mom and dad were like heaven and hell. They were complete opposites who needed one another to stay afloat. Every night she wondered why they were still tied together when all they cause is pain and suffering to one another. It was because of her and her siblings. The parents thought they would cause more harm than good leaving each other. What they didn't know was them staying together was draining the kid's internality. This girl is me.
The older I got the more I heard yelling and glass shattering in every direction I walked. Nights where I cried myself to sleep praying it would get better. Parents putting their kids in the middle of every argument not knowing which side to choose. Who's wrong and who's right. Staying silent to not start a fight. I slowly became silent and distant. Siblings fighting over our parent's love/hate bullshit. Toxicity filled the air we breathed in that house. A house I used to call my home.
I to this day feel like the black sheep of my family. My siblings and parents are so close and fit together like a puzzle. My piece got lost throughout building the puzzle. I lie and hide so much from them because I can't even trust my own family. They all judge me and hope I fail at life. My mother is the only one that's ever right even when it comes to my life. The reason I am the way I am is because the pain I fought through to get where I am. All I ever fought for was to belong, to be loved, to be wanted, and to be accepted for me. All I ever wanted in this life is to be ME. I'm too scared of my past that I don't know if I can chase my future. I can't make one mistake or it's all over. What am I supposed to do when inside I'm dying but outside, I'm lying saying I'm fine.
I don't know the meaning of a stable home or a civil family. When you get hurt by parents or siblings everyday of your life you will know one day that you never had a real home. Your family are just people who you got stuck with that breaks you down piece by piece till you leave.
I left and came to a college 40 minutes away it's still not far enough away. Waking up to calls and messages about the chaos they created its depressing. Not a day goes by where its steady and silent. He hurt me or She wants a divorce, and or it's your brother's fault. Will this ever stop? Even just for a second can the world stop so I can breathe on breath. I love my family, but I hate the way we grew up together.
We're all just ticking time bombs waiting to explode on one another. Our fists and screams settle our problems. Why can't we have a conversation like a normal family. I forgot that is our normal. Hold it all in, build up the pain, be stronger, be brave, take it like a man even though you aren't one. That's the reality of having a broken home and not being able to fix it up.
People ask why I'm so quiet well it's simple eventually when a person gets ignored or overtalked enough they become mute. Their silence fills the air then once your silent for too long you become forgotten unless someone needs something. For example, your dad needs money, brother needs help with homework, mom needs help with the bills or setting up technology, your fake best friend needs help with homework or daily tasks she just doesn't want to do. You're not wanted you are just good enough to take advantage of by society.
I'm at the point where I feel so drained, I don't want to continue. Why should I continue this way of life? I have to for my sister that feels so far away. My boyfriend who makes me feel a way I never felt before. Why does he love me? Why do I deserve a king like himself? Why does he stay when I am so broken? How do I never lose him? He makes me feel safer than I have my entire life. He hears me and listens to me. I feel like I am finally free when I am around him. I hate being away from him because I'm scared to be alone. I never had a guy treat me right not even my family until I met him. My everything a person I will fight through hell for. He takes all the darkness out of me when he holds me. Did I go through all this to find him. The depression and suicidal events and the harm I caused myself, my toxic family, my fake friends, my lost soul. It all leads me here to my baby boy. A place I never want to leave. The first time in my life I feel happy not fully but enough to want to fight to live. I went from misery to this life now. This all I ever wanted to be wanted. I am finally but is it going to be forever. Will he leave me like everyone else? Will he hurt me like the rest? Is this the right decision I'm making? What if he changes his mind? Why did I fall so hard for him? So many questions that only time will answer to.