Notes

i regret evrythiing i´ve said, everything i´ve done i´ve exposed myself again for nothing i did´t have any type of outcome that i´d like to happen. im sad because it came out exacly as i expected pretty sure it´s gonna be just like others, im their storys spector and thhey´re mine.
i believe d when he said that we could leave him behind and he woudn´t feel a thing because he had done the same to his mom but why would he do it again to the peoplehe says he loves the most.
So when shit like this happens i start to believe him more and more cause like if my own d won´t why would anyone else.
s has a boyfriend so she always has a refuge, a safe place to go when she feels down, my older has a person that she can count during tough times, her best friend. they´ve known each otherfor years and years and now they call each other family but me i dont really.
i have people i can call friends but i´ll never trust anyone again to tell about my own issues but i´ll always try to be present and help them whenever i can. i did that before and now i don´t talk to them so there´s people that i considered close that know my secrets and it´s an unseasy feeling but i bet they´ve forgotten about im nothing of they´re interest they have better things tocare about.
i´ve came to terms with that, ig.
i wanna scream and tell everyone how i feel but i don´t want to feel expoosed, vulnerable i just want a safe place.
i always feel like i always got something to say but not really because whenever i get the chance i just choose to be quiet when really i want to rip my hair out, bite myself till i bleed, peel my whole raw skin off, scream, hit my head but not die because i get over it shortly after but forever, the feeling always comes back.
im sorry for being open, for being caring, for talking,for being nice, for even replyingwhen i could´ve just not.
i don´t even know what im saying anymore im just sad that i have to go tthrough this every once in a while.
the worst id that when it happens again all these emotions come clashing onto you with an unreasonable force that makes fucking think like "why tf do i care?" but then i care it´s silly i know i shouldn´t but i do, i always and im tired of it.
my own emotions are stopping me from living but there´s another huge force in me that can´t stop screaming" i wanna live, i wanna live" i don´t know how to do that either.
funny thing is that even when im fine and i have a chance to "live" i just choose not unintentionally so im just lost in ideas but i´m not really doing anything about it.
i´ve progressed, im able to look at people shattered my heart and still give them a hug or a smile or just be completly numb.
but being numb is gonna be my favorite pick because me embracing what they´ve done could give them different interpretations im not weak, sometimes.
i just wanna be okay for a whole while that´s all i ask from now on, that´s not that hard is it?? not even asking to be happy i just wanna be okay.
honestly that´s gonna be my birthday wish and seriously thinking about cancelling everything and going by myself but i just know i´d regret that later. i really hope i´ll be okay because i really want to live and LIVE for real.