Notes

I think I'm tired. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally I'm tired. Like, you've stayed up from 12 A.M. to 12 A.M. the next day, and said, "Yeah, I'm tired!" Then you went to go to sleep for like 16 hours, but instead of sleeping from 12 A.M. to 4 P.M., you sleep from 12 A.M. to 12:01 A.M. that same morning. I took a lot of time trying to get my point across there, but you know, that's me.

I'm trying to tell myself a lot of lies. You know, I try to not lie to the people I love, but I'm lying to myself about a lot of things I feel like. I do love myself, which may sound a little conceited, but you know what I mean. Anyway, it's quite easy to tell myself things I want to hear just to end up believing them. It's kind of... twisted. That I've never done that before, until recently. Before these past two months I haven't had problems. Not ones that bothered me anyway. Then, I don't know, I started to get involved with people. With Anne, with Xyrus, with Tiesa. I'll never regret really meeting them, I never will because I got involved with a few of my best friends. Then I got involved with Kaisee, and Emma, and Daniela, and I love them all so much too. Then, after awhile, you started to like Chase, and at the time I thought I was over that. That night of Homecoming, when you told me you liked me in London after I admitted it to you and to myself that I did over there too, I started to think I guess...

Then I left around, what was it? 11:10 or something? Either way it was pretty late for my mom to come and get me haha. Then Tiesa texts me about how you're upset because Chase was gawking over Chloe Crawford, or however you spell her name, about how beautiful she was and how perfect she was. Then I had this involuntary thought, "Well if only Mackenzie knew she was beautiful and perfect too." Then I kind of stopped, in the middle of the staircase, and my mom bumps into me, and says, "Why did you just stop like that?" I said, "I don't know, I think I just had a stroke." Then I laughed because I thought my joke was funny, and she just gave me this Asian Mom look that basically said, "You're a moron." Thanks mom. I just stopped and thought the same thought again. I realized that I liked you. So, every time I heard you were sad about Chase, I just kept saying, "There's a lot of guys that would treat her so much better, and she goes after the idiot that doesn't realize how lucky he is." I kept telling myself, "She'll get over him, she'll realize he's not it." So I waited. A week. Two weeks. Three Weeks. One month, I was ready to give up. There was even a point when I hated Chase, and I was so annoyed and angry with you that I said, "Her friends have tried hard enough to protect her from the onslaught of idiocy that is Chase in a relationship, and in the end, all their hard work is futile because she's so stubborn. So she still goes on and tries and pursue something that is never going to happen anyway, and she doesn't even notice that Chase doesn't even like her because she's desperately trying to get into a relationship with someone who is too stupid to just tell her outright that he does not like her. So he is literally just dragging her on like a fucking fish through the water on a fishing line, just so he can have a back up in case Chloe or whoever the fuck he likes more doesn't happen to work out." I was so confident, I mean I'm sorry I said those things about you, I honestly was just furious, and I guess jealous, that Chase had you and didn't appreciate you.

Then, that day where we hung out with Kaisee and Mayah was great. I mean, that half hour where I held your hand in your car... Uh, anyway, that was great, and the night where I told you I liked you, and you said you liked me, I was so fucking happy. That week was the best week I had this year. But a week later... well, you know, I won't go over that again. I mean I was upset for a while, and eventually I just got tired of it. I got tired of not talking to you, and not hanging out with you. So that was that. For a while. Of course, I still like you so everything isn't perfect, and I mean I'm still having problems with liking you because I feel like I shouldn't but I want to anyway. I still feel like I'll somehow get lucky, and somehow be with you. Of course, I still like you so everything isn't perfect, and I mean I still have problems with that. I feel like I shouldn't like you anymore but I want to. It's just frustrating... like I told Kaisee one night, "The frustrating thing is that I never get to say what I want to say to her and I've given up on trying. It's an old topic, and she doesn't even know what the hell she wants and it's like how I fucking thought it was going to be. I knew what I was getting into in London, I knew what I was getting into in November. I've been over it and over it in my fucking head, and the only god damn conclusion I can come up with is that no matter who she is, no matter what problems she has, no matter what anyone could say to me, I want to be with her. I have wanted to be with her for a long time, and the moment I got close. The moment I had a fucking chance, it was gone just like that, and the only thing I could do was cry to myself because I almost got her. I almost was with her. Not that I was, or that it could have been. I almost was." I care about you, so I don't care about the things that worry you because I can look past those things. You think you're going to take something out on me, but you haven't yet.

So, the point of this really was to explain to you how I feel really. Like you've heard some bits, and I think my problem is that I find it... annoying I guess, that you think you're somehow going to hurt me if we dated. Yet, that's not up to me to change your mind on that, I know you don't know what you want and you believe that you can't be in a relationship, and that's... fine. I mean I do understand you need your time, trust me. I do. I guess I just found it, again, annoying that after waiting for so long, I had to, you guessed it, wait some more. Which is fine. Because now it's more like I'm waiting for... nothing I guess. Hah. People have been telling me that you only talk to me because I give you enough attention, and I truly hope that's not true. I don't believe them, but I just want to make sure. So I hope that I actually mean something to you other than just some idiot that you're fucking with for attention. For my sake, and for yours. Because I think you're a great person, and I don't know how I'd feel after that.

Anyway... I'm sorry that I keep bringing some of this up, and I keep saying that I understand what you need, and stuff like that. Me bringing that up probably doesn't help my case when I say that though, huh?

Like I said, I am sorry. Thanks for being there though. For being one of my best friends, I really do appreciate you. I hope I won't lose you ever because you mean a lot to me.