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No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, they only see what you have not done. You could clean the whole house and irritate them by not greeting them when they waklk through the door. You could come home with something amazing achieved and irritate them by being too loud and ecstatic. You could bottle up all your feelings to not overwhelm them or anger them, and irritate them by reaching out for guidance online, or reaching a breaking point. They make you feel worthless, especially when they utter words to put you down. Things like "lazy, selfish, worthless, slow, stupid, dumb, fool."
You feel like you will never be enough for them and that you will never make them happy.
But really you just want to be everything to them. You want to make them proud, you want them to go out of their way to make you feel appreciated, but it doesn't happen. They destroy your self esteem and make you careless.
I try to be the most loving person I can, I try to give as much as I can. I don't mean to be sensitive or to seem uninterested or to disobey you. I want to be enough for you. I want to make you happy. I don't want to be in class trying to hide my tears because you make me feel like such a burden, or call me things I am not. I don't want to feel inadequate for being angry when I have a right to be. I am a human being, and I am allowed to be angry or frustrated with you. I am allowed to keep you at a distance for the sake of my feelings. I am allowed to cry when you yell or when you make me feel horrible. I am just trying to be happy, and to make others happy, and that is so damn hard lately. I hate it. I have feelings, I should matter to you, and my feelings should be valid. I should not have to fight for your approval. Let me be enough for you.
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