Notes

I did bad shit and I was depressed for so long today cuz I thought she was fading, she was mad at me cause im sensitive as fuck and thats so fucking annoying idk how to change it and I usually do this everytime I think someone is mad at me and then I realize im breaking down for nothing and everythings alright even when it didn't feel alright just seconds ago. I feel so fucked up that I literally am incapable of opening up to people abt anyting serious cuz I feel like when the time comes there isn't anyone there but deep down I know that isn't true and I guess im just reluctant abt talking and trusting. If im not alright I just say "ill talk abt it later" or "its not important" cuz i know it wont ever be brought up and I guess that is toxic from my end and it just ends up hurting me and me only and it just builds up and comes out at the worst time like, for example, the day right before ap exams. Other times I feel like if I dissapear, who cares literally, no one and thats life I get it and Im putting off dealing with that shitty feeling till college cuz I can't dwell in that stage again or I will crumble, I will literally fall apart and atm I just need to keep giving myself more work until I actually can deal with it or have the guts to deal with it. So perfect, I just keep walking around annoying people cuz thats who I put myself to be, happy no matter what cuz nothing makes me sad. And it may seem like I didn't try to talk to anyone but I did, I did and everytime I got told to shut up and thats why Im at this stage right now, I didnt realize that those relationship, or that one specific relationship was making me feel worse, not better. And then there were my good ones, ones I tried to fix, tried to keep and make sure they would stay and last but they didnt, no matter what I did or how hard I tried it didn't work. It's late. If she was here she'd be telling me to go to sleep but she wont and will never again. She wont ever ask me how my day was or if i remembered to eat. She wont ever tell me that she missed me or sing with me again. Why? Its not her job anymore. She won't do any of those things again and maybe no one will and thats killing me inside slowly everytime I see her. Now I wake up every day wishing I was someone else and Im tired of dealing with this. I wish I didn't have to chase after a lot of my friends but lowki its what its come down to, and I constantly need some sort of distraction. Its hard to be alone since the emotions take over. Everyone else wins. i hate everything about myself and im afraid to come to school. Am I waste of time? Am I too stupid for people? Am I too ugly? Am i even good enough? idk anymore im done