Notes

i understand why shes mad because weve talked about something like this before and I think she broke up with me over it before so I should've been more cautious and not liking pictures but I dead don't remember liking that shit i don't even know shawty she look like that one fish from shark tales wtf and now wayway not talking to me for the day smh. i don't know if I'm buggin or overthinking but it seems like she pushes me away a lot and i know she said she self sabotages and that she'll "ruin" the relationship and to "just wait and see" but i really like her. she has a genuine caring soul and wouldn't wish harm on nobody and she's a best friend and a partner all in one, i can spend time with her from sun up to sun down and not get tired of her and I love to cook with her and i like sitting with her and letting her vent to me about how she feels even though sometimes she tends to hold some of the stuff inside. it's easy to tell how she's feeling just by looking at her so i can tell that she means the stuff that she tells me most of the time and that's why it scares me that she said she'll ruin the relationship with her own insecurities because i don't want her to feel that way but if she truly does feel that way then there's nothing i would be able to do in that case, it's not like i can force her to stay with me and i also can't change her, so as much as i love her and want to stay with her, all i can do is my part and hope that she realizes that there's nothing i want more than her beside me regardless of what it takes and i don't wanna hurt her. but constantly being pushed away is starting to get to me, I'm starting to get used to jayla being mad at me and not talking to me to the point where when it happens I just do my own thing and I hate that cause it bothers me cause i hate feeling like i'm bothering someone so when i get that vibe i just distance myself entirely and i don't wanna do that with jayla. no matter what terms we're on, as long as we're together, we should be talking everyday. personal space and the silent treatment is fine and usually expected but going the entire day without speaking to your partner isn't healthy it's nice to be checked up on every now and then but i'm just left alone like i'm an old toy and it makes me feel unwanted a lot of the time. especially when we're playing around and i take it a little too far and now i lost 5 hours with her cause she won't talk to me even though we were playing around. i think this is something that needs to be worked on and fixed before we go any further because i don't wanna ever get to a point where I'm used to not talking to Jayla, especially when there's feelings involved because i already know how I am when it comes to not talking to people, once it's out of sight it's out of mind for me no matter who you are and I don't ever want that to end up being the case with Jayla, we've already gone through our ups and downs for a whole year and now that we're finally up, of course, we're gonna have bad days, that's in every relationship, but I want us to be able to come together and say how we feel so we're not just holding things against each other in the end because that's how grudges build up. but I also have to understand things can't be perfect and go my way all the time, this is a relationship with two people in it and we're very different. so I have to be able to understand that we both have our own coping mechanisms when it comes to problems we have. we both grew up differently and had different experiences in life so we're gonna confront problems differently and I have to understand that. the reason I hate being alone and feeling like I'm bothering someone is because I was always alone as a kid and whenever I wasn't alone, I was in trouble for being a bad kid so nobody wanted to talk to me anyway, but I was only being a bad kid for attention because I wasn't getting any so it was like a cycle that kept going till I got older and started getting attention elsewhere. I'm ranting now this don't have shit to do with jayla. my point is, I just need to learn to understand that jayla is a different person and wont always be on the same timing I'm on when it comes to problems in our relationship and that's ok. i can't have this fantasized version of her in my head and think that I can just say sorry and she'll turn over and change the way she feels