Notes

i don't belong in this world i want to die i want to just end my life right now i been gone since SATURDAY and i was came back today on FRIDAY and my day was going good and when i was in the car otw back when we pulled up i knew something was gonna happen that's why when i came home i was ready to leave again my friends wanted me to go to meads pool today i wanted to go but i asked my mom and she said no so i stayed home and stayed in my room and they had the house dirty and i was not going to keep cleaning up after them and then my mom came home and she took my phone and i didn't do anything so i went upstairs and started to cry and clean the bathroom and i wanted to kill myself so bad i kept saying i wish i was dead and then when i got done cleaning upstairs i came downstairs and put the spray in the closet and went back upstairs and started to say i wanted to die again and i stayed upstairs and just closed my eyes and stop breathing and tried to kill myself but i couldn't do it right now i want to die in my sleep because i can't take this stress this depression and i wish i wasn't black because that's all people say to me they talk about how black i am and i cant take anymore of this pain i see so many people killing they self because of stress and depression and i feel like if i just die everyone will be happy i feel like my mom gonna be happy she not gonna have to deal with me and she calls me ugly and black like it dont be coming to my heart and it really hurts from hearing that come from your mom. people say boys don't supposed to cry but i cant help it im sensitive and i cant hold it in anymore longer. (7/7/2023 Ashaun Winslow) (14 years old June 12 2009) when my mom mad she takes it out on me and i don't even be doing anything i just wish i was adopted and treated right and nobody will judge my skin tone and i know im ugly i can't help it if i could i would i just wish i was lightskin or brown i don't like being black anymore it's just so many people calls me black and makes comments saying you look like under the bed and when you turn the lights off we cant see your black self and in my head i just want to kill myself right there because i can't take it anymore i really cant family reunion tomorrow and i know my aunt edline gonna say something nice to me that's really my favorite auntie because she don't act like some other people i can see she loves and cares about me she was the only one that came to my first track meet i just love my aunt edline so much