Notes

as a little girl I grew up in a very scary environment world that was not safe in many aspects, when I turned 4 I was removed from my mom and dad's care and places in the care of my mom's sister they were known as my aunt an uncle,

from the age of four things never got any better if anything things got worse for me. there was a wide verity of physical emotional and mental abuse alone in the household, but sexual abuse was present in their home as well. things did not end there for me as there was sexual abuse towards me by my aunt and uncles' close friends' kids and their dad and uncle, their friends' children had previously gone through the nature of sexual abuse form their uncle and father.
them being so little not knowing it was wrong they did those things along with the father and uncle to me i being 7 and the kids being in my age range and one little older this happened form the age of 4 tell I was 14 Ish.
it happened multiple times at their house my aunt and uncles houses. I'm mortified, and not only did theses sexual assaults happened other assaults know as I'm living in a group home a close friend took it to fare many times assaulting me more than once,

there was another brutal assault rape in the lake of better words i was on a walk may 8th 2023 and it was about 9:00 am and I was raped assaulted in brood day light i did not know what to do, i got up after he fled and i ran to a bathroom and locked myself in there to keep myself safe i felt so scare alone wet and lots of pain and wet because I was so scared I wet myself full of dirt and blood
I then noticed my phone ringing picking it up from my social worker I had no idea how to explain what just took place. this assault had token me back to all the years i was badly abuse every day and night leaving my body in a state where i was having none epileptic seizers because of my ptsd and past history.

I was constantly harming myself, i had to re walk the Sean and after words go had to go Strate to the hospital for stitches because u previously self-harmed before i had to re walk this event.
Around the day June 28 I had almost lost my life or even just the ability to eat because i swallowed a button battery I had to have it removed in surgery and I was under anesthesia i thought it would solve all my problems, but it did not if anything it made things worse.
I was locked in the psych ward for a few days I was not allowed anything nothing at all i was not allowed to leave the room it was cold dark and the windows where frosted my meds where not all given i was left alone no phone no tv no activities like coloring drawing writing nothing, but a mirror walls a door and the bed.
I ended up vary sick the next few days and was vary vary sick when i got home. as I'm 18 now over the last 18 years of my life I've been traumatized put down judged hurt beat raped told I'm attention seeking all of it but I've simply kept fighting every single day for me to just be treated like that, be lied to use all my things token away because its a danger to myself but that only brings back more traumatic things that are vary triggering to me.
Because of my seizers that were happening because my trauma i was not to go to any store horse therapy SPCA and anywhere outside of town. I've lost most if not all the summer. not aloud my own belongings, but the reality here is you cannot take some ones only knowing way of coping and tell them to figure it out or just call them attention seeking. when you take every way some one knows how to cope and not help them through that part other things arise like me swallowing things come upon because they took all these coping strategies away including the good ones and basically told me to go cold turkey no help. I'm going to say thing because it hits me deep because I know there's many people like me struggling the way I am.

sometimes self-harming is developed to feel numb their feelings hide the real ones like crying laughing because as being me I never really felt safe to feel my emotions so i find it vary evidently difficult to feel them and many of my emotions end with me harming myself. yes i do vary often feel suicidal because of the sever ptsd it keeps me up most nights i get sever flash backs preventing me for being ok doing many things. i struggle shopping being out in the community and so one. I always feel like a burden becuase i never know when another episode will arises

i struggle now with bpd because the Uknown of my emotions and the lack of being able to feel them bpd represents the unknowing of feeling emotions not feeling safe to feel your emotions.

i also have my fair share of physical struggles cause by some of my trauma and some just came alone with my life journey. abuse and especially sued mental and emotional effect your brain and it actually damage it leaving one with troubles learning feeling emotions and living among society, and not only did I go through emotional and mental abuse and neglect I was raped beat torcher physical abused. i was pregent twice at the age of 13 and i miscarried both times one in the shower leaving me mortified and blaming myself for the loss of my own child inside of me, of cores i did not want to expose my little angel to the abuse i had to go through and the thought of knowing who the father was and what bad things he's done to me scared me for dear life because my sweet angle id not wish any of this on you I'm glad your safe in heaven at least as i want you to be safe and I know no matter how hard i would try they would have got to you to and id never want that to happen