Notes

Children Are Gifts to improve, Not Possessions to Control
There are a couple of things that hit me this week. Well, actually many things hit me throughout the week...dirty clothes, diapers, homework, food at dinner, I possibly could go on and on, but that is clearly a girlfriend complaint over an extended needed glass of wine! Over the weekend, I watched my 4th grade son play in his basketball game. There is so much pain and excitement in watching 10 year-olds play who think they are all NBA material; combined with the overcrowding of the gymnasium, and high pitched screams of the siblings under the bleachers, it really is sometimes hard to concentrate on the proceedings. One particular part stuck me as odd, I understand this was false when I was 10 in every sporting event I played in, I remember that there is always a team that wins and a team that loses. At the end of every long fought out game, there is nothing better (or worse) than considering the scoreboard and seeing the method that you either triumphed in or needed improvement on. Even when it had been not apparent, we always knew the overall outcome of the overall game. Kids do that, they keep mental score; we all know as parents, we take action too. It was that way for my parents, their parents and so on. Not last weekend. There is indeed a scoreboard, but it remained scoreless. Even though, I know for a fact that my own child scored several points, he was quick to tell me how many at the end of the game and the final score. My hubby asked somebody who was keeping track of plays for the teams and his reason was that people didn't want one to feel bad about themselves for losing.

I completely get that. I understand that we are teaching our kids equality, but simultaneously, (and here is where in fact the "Tiger Mom" reference may be applied to me!) why are we not teaching our children that not every one can win and there might be failures within their lives that they have to learn to adjust and grow from? I know we want our kids to feel good about their accomplishments, but how can we expect them to give all they have and know the significance of accomplishment when they are not permitted to view it first hand? It reminded me of a report I read last year on the higher levels of teenage suicide in the past few years, more than years back, of high school graduates who try and/or succeed at a suicide attempt after being rejected from the colleges of their dreams. Why are we raising a generation of children who believe they deserve whatever it is they would like to achieve, without needing to work with it or "win" the game they are directly into get to that goal? I'm not discussing the old tactics that were involved with dodge ball in junior high, but the simple good sense notion, that kids need to learn what it means to reduce every once in awhile and how to approach it. Without mommy and daddy buying them something to pay for the bad feelings about themselves, we have a generation of children who have no idea how to handle their very own failures and manage their feelings.

This brings me to the second Epiphany of the week, slightly not the same as a scoreless game, but in the end, it brings the same result. I ran across a news story out of Australia, when a couple aborted the twin boys these were carrying, since they wanted a girl to replace the kid they lost. Their reasoning was that they already had three boys and could not afford to bring every child into the world to have a girl. Australia had not been sure they would permit the to use abortion that is why. The couple said it had been their to sex select and they would come to the United States to seek treatment if refused by their Country. I was horrified when I read this, not only due to miss usage of abortion by pro-choice standards, but because our society would allow such an idea rather than think anything of it. I'm not in anyway advocating the application of abortion in any circumstance, but the notion of abusing it to have the child you want, isn't just immoral, but unjust. What does this tell their three sons? Imagine if they have a girl child with special needs or she actually is not the daughter they dreamed she would be? This is truly tragic for the tiny boys who have been created and destroyed and for the parents that their quest to have a female child has blinded them from magic and beauty of life. That is an example of humans playing God without consciously regarding the repercussions and pain that will later ensue. I am not within their shoes and I'm not likely to judge their souls, but I do hope that there is an awakening from this and humans can understand the irrational excuses we use to obtain what we want. My mother always told me, that if you are struggling with a choice in your heart and you have to work with a "but" to justify if, then it probably must be examined thoroughly rather than taken lightly. This story has many "buts" inside it and I'd hope and pray they can find peace and forgiveness in their lives.

What does this have to do with not keeping score at a child's basketball game you ask? They're both on completely different levels of morality, however the social teaching and lessons our kids learn from our life choices and example's are similar. We've no universal set foundation for teaching our children personal responsibility and coping with the consequences. We have the Ten Commandments in which our laws are based off of, yet we use many "buts" in the laws to justify things we do not want or deem is inconvenient at that moment in our lives. Children that are never taught to manage failure or not getting their wishes, think they are in ultimate control of these existence, therefore, there is absolutely no consequence for their free-will. They do not see that God is ultimately in control of their life and that sometimes, His plan is greater than the life they're surviving in that moment. They don't know how to cope with not getting instant gratification. Remember the golden rule our parents told us as children? Good stuff come to those who wait. read more 've found often as a mother where I battle to accept that rule when it comes to my children. You want to control their environment so that they don't get hurt, fail at anything or know heart ache. We want them to experience only good feelings, just like the joy of a win or the fulfillment in getting what their hearts desire. How can we teach children to call home Christlike and accept themselves to the fullest if we set examples in life for them which are false?

It brings me to the main one rule I live by as a mother. Believe me, it is not a straightforward rule to simply accept daily and I have to remind myself that it's right, especially since my heart is permanently on my sleeve. We usually do not own our children. They are not our possessions. We cannot control every aspect of their lives and expect them to take care of rejection as adults. As a mother, I'm a vessel for God to create life and souls to the earth. My job is to care for them, love them also to nurture them with a strong foundation that enables them to be the best they are often. As a Catholic, it is known as raising little saints; my ultimate goal is to raise saintly children. Not in the sense that they can all mature to be Mother Teresa's or Saint Francis of Assisi's; but that they will have the foundation, confidence and self-love to understand that they individually certainly are a child of God. That their lives are about learning and elevated awareness, failure and success, & most of using every experience in their life to become better and nearer to God. I do not get to regulate that, nor do I get to control which child God needs me to improve. All of them are gifts, each one wrapped in His trust of me that I'll do the work I was designed to do. As a parent, I need to be conscious of that in my lifestyle.

It is my duty to improve my to understand that if something happens they do not like, they can not just eliminate situation or buy their way out of it. Children who have never known loss or failure, mature to expect that there is nothing out of their control. They become parents without the conscious awareness of their individual purpose and think that they have the right to justify their actions to create their individual happiness. A false happiness. Things like winning a casino game as a child can easily have exactly the same justification into adulthood; like aborting a child because you it is not the child you need. This is not nearly abortion, it really is about everything unexpected daily in our lives.

The truth is that not just a single one of us has always been the child our parents dreamed we would be. We have given them heart-ache, disappointment and loss; we have also shown them unconditional love, knowledge and life. We just never accepted that we are a lot more than our human expectations; in reality, we are the children God wanted and planned for all of us to be. As humans, it is imperative that we understand and teach our kids that. Not everything in our lives will go as planned and we cannot always have it the way we wish it to be, but our faith teaches us that ultimately, it isn't around us. Only God knows our path, despite having free-will, the outcome is known and where we will end up. It is up to us to surrender compared to that trust to function as vessels He needs us to be in body, spirit and most importantly as examples of light for future years generations.
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