Notes

7/19
why did i not write him a letter? i couldnt find the words. it felt to fast. i was hesitant in actually fully feeling anything because i was afriad of being hurt and used.

why didnt i stick up for him? I dont want it to seem like i liked him by always defending him. and ive told them before we were nothing more and yada i can find the messages.

with my family saying hell no and being uptight, it being my sisters exboyfriend and i knew i would be shamed, i could possibly be being used, or afriad i was going to get hurt.
all these held me back from fully expressing and allowing even myself to feel to much. but i still felt something. the feelings were almost addictive i could say. i loved the attention sure but i care about m on a deeper level then that. i just enjoy his company even when the spotlight isnt even on me. thats just a bonus. he would write me letters give me letter and inciate almost every physical moment. i was just to afraid and it took me awhile to trust. which im not even fully there. plus when i try to explain my feelings to him i go blank. i cant think straight. i was afriad that ill start actually fully embracing the relatioknship and my feelings and get hurt. then ill look stupid because its like haha told u so. that ill be shamed by my family. why did i stick around then. because i did have feelings! just have a hard time expressing. i feel like it would frustarte him sometimes. i never wrote him a letter. i never really inciated any moves. its my first time doing all this. i wasnt sure. but i miss him. after some of my fears came true he got kicked out and is banned from the house. and i miss him. is that stupid!? i wonder what does he think? is he mad at me...? why would he be? i need to stop assuming. i mean he shouldnt be its as much of his fault as it is mine. is he sad because he cant see me no more? or am i just a dumb bitch?!