Notes

I was reading my webtoon and I'm reading about a character Charlie who has anorexia and OCD and he gets help and he hates it btu it ends up helping him which I don't get because I know that won't ever happen for me I won't get help I get saved I won't have support but I guess I dream that one day someone will notice that I'm drowning and that I'm not ok but no one ever does and that ok I guess I mean I'm used to stuffing it down and smiling that's what I've done my whole life w my depression my anxiety my sexual assault with the abuse and problems happening at home no one has ever cared asked or will ever know how really shitty my life is the reality of what's going on behind my black eyes or what's going on in my head covered in my big black curly hair I know what and how I'm writing isn't normal but neither was my life i didn't grow up in a house hold with a mom a dad a perfect little family w pure love and a proud mom and dad I grew up w a toxic step dad I thought was my biological father that was abusive and mostly absent in my life but when he was around he used to beat me my brother and mother but you know I guess I had a mother but never a mom a mom would never beat her kids force her kids to live w a horrible man hid her daughter biological father from her, her whole life and ofc a mom would never steal money from anyone and everyone just to get drunk or smoke some pot no ofc she was the perfect "mom" who was there for her kids took care of them made them feel loved and wanted and she never ever forced her kids to hang out with people who they didn't feel comfortable with and never cared enough to consider her own kids feelings no she was the "savior" the parent who stuck around like that isn't a basic human decency to your own kids. But I guess I had my brother? I mean ya "we were in it together" but we didn't have the same experiences ya he struggled in his own way and ya he's fucked up but and I know I'm supposed to love him to death and ya I do but he reminds me so much of his dad and every time I'm near him I hate him so much words can not even begin to explain the way his eyes look at me it's like I'm 5 years old again being screamed at by his dad and of course I know he's not him and that his father's actions and my hatred against his dad shouldn't my hatred towards him but at times he gets aggressive and he's his father all over again and when I tried to talk to him and open up to him he makes dumb jokes and I guess he's a dumb teenager but I can't even defend his idiotic actions and words but I guess this was my little vent about my shitty fucked up life but this doesnt even begin to cover my life and pain and hatred against the world