Notes

Most of you probably know me as a VERY sinful shitposter on this site, but hey, I'm more than that! Like I said in my last Nat, my name is Tessa! Feel free to call me that instead of bees, if you want (I'll respond to both though)! I just turned 17, and I'm a lesbian demigirl from New Jersey, USA. I've been through a whole lot myself, like most of you have. Seeing how many of you are going through some hardships, I figured I'd share my story.

As a kid in elementary school, I was one of the 'popular' kids. I was friends with everyone, I was the teacher's pet, I had straight-A's and played soccer and a lot of people looked up to me.

When I was 12, things got a little bad. Talking to people was so much harder. It was weird, y'know? I had been an extrovert my entire life, but once I hit age 12, I was afraid of talking to people. I used to love presenting projects to my class, but at age 12, the thought of presenting in front of the class left me hysterical.

The next few years, that got worse. It was just that social anxiety at first, but eventually it turned into depression. Mental illness is genetic in my family, so I suppose it was just a matter of time. My mother blames herself a lot for my suffering, but I know it's not her fault. This depression, this anxiety, none of it was her fault.

When I was in 10th grade, started in September of 2014, the depression had reached its peak. The anxiety began to make me physically sick, to the point where I'd skip most meals. By January of this year, I had lost 15+ pounds from not eating. But in 10th grade, things did get bad. By December, I was going to the nurse at least once a week complaining of a stomach ache, just so that I could go home. Shortly after that, I wasn't getting out of bed at all. My mom would come into my room screaming and cursing at me to get up, but I wouldn't move. I stopped caring. And by this past January, I had a suicide plan.

One day, I refused to go to school. My mom and I got into a huge shouting fight, and I said something like "Who cares about school? I'm going to be dead before I graduate anyway." I had been planning to kill myself this past summer. My parents both take a lot of prescription pills; I figured I'd overdose on those. And if that didn't work, I was going to walk to one of the bridges over the Delaware River and jump.

I thought my parents would think I was exaggerating, that I was just pushing their buttons and trying to guilt them.

But the next day, my father drove me to the emergency room at a local hospital. I was hospitalized. And things were bad after that. I started drinking heavily around that time. And to this day, I still drink heavily. I think I have a drinking problem. But my friend James, he keeps trying to help me. The last few months, I've refused to let him help me, but this weekend he's supposed to hangout with me, and I plan on finally giving in and letting him help.

But anyways, I was in the emergency room, then I was in a behavioral center, then I was in my family's doctor's office being given a letter to get homeschooled.

It wasn't until July of this year that I was finally put on anti-depressants. I had always feared that being on anti-depressants would change me, that it would make me a different person, that I would forget everything I'd been suffering through for so long. But that didn't happen. The anti-depressants have made life easier to get through. I'm not miserable and anxious every single second of every single day. I have the motivation to get out of bed, to get dressed, to do my schoolwork, and to talk to the friends I once shut out of my life. I'm still the same person, I'm still Tessa, except now things are a little more normal. Nothing's perfect, but I'm much better now.

My parents, like I've said, are alcoholics. I've always felt alone. But honestly? Natter makes me feel a little less alone. I'm not very social one-on-one on Natter, but to have all of you guys, and to know how much you all care about eachother, it makes me feel better.

A week before my 13th birthday, my best friend tried to kill himself. He overdosed on prescription medication. A month ago, he was accepted into an incredible choir group, and he's competing against our entire state. I'm proud of him, for moving on, for recovering, for living, despite how hard life gets.

I guess the reason I'm typing all this out is because I don't want any of you to feel like you're alone. All of our hardships are different, but know that I understand mental illness, that I know what it's like to be alone. I've felt alone my entire life, and I don't want any of you to feel that way. I'll always be here for every last one of you, and hey, just remember, @bees will be your friend no matter what happens.

To Contact Me:

Skype: raven.rogue13
kik: rainaes
tumblr: omuii
snapchat: omuii
facebook: Tessa Woyner

The reason I keep putting my social media/contact information out is because I want all of you to know I'm here for you. Even if we've never spoken before, hit me up! Message me! Hey, maybe we can become super rad friends! I don't want any of you to be alone, okay? Don't feel selfish or intimidated talking to me. I want to talk to all of you, I want to be able to listen to you when you vent. And hey, I'm not that scary. Numerous times people have told me they're intimidated to talk to me, but all I can say is don't be. I'm just a goofy shitposter from a small town in New Jersey that obsesses over books and nature and folklore and other silly things. Don't be afraid of me! If anything, talk to me like you'd talk to your best friend. I am your best friend, really, all of you. Think of me as that cool older sister that will give you advice and help you out and also beat the heck out of anyone who wrongs you.

TLDR; I love you all, please contact me (I'll always respond and listen to you, especially if you're venting!), and please know that you're important. All of you are, and all of you are loved.

- @bees