Notes

DADDY ISSUES /OBBSESSION OF PERFECTSION
I think my dad forgets how to be a dad sometimes I love him and whatever you know but sometimes he scares ,me not like "oh yeah my dad is scary am scared of him" no he actually scares me idk if that's supposed to be normal at all but he so aggressive to me just me not even my sisters he knows not to hit them not even if they do one thing wrong but me I do one little thing and I get ass whopping bro I think its because I remind him of someone he didn't like because I look at his eyes and all I see is hate that can't go away same with my sisters and my mom and the thing is that I love my mom but sometimes it feel like she doesn't and just my sisters and it hurts because its like
I have her for 1 mint and she is gone out of nowhere it scares me sometimes because its like she forgets am there and am the youngest and people say the youngest get all the mommy and daddy love but me I get less and less like its like I don't belong with them our in this family I look at them and wonder if the way they look at me is how they really fell about me, disgusted of me like I wonder if I wasn't there will they switch up just like that I kind of feels like I just have me and my self like my family isn't my family like its just strangers that look at me with all hate in there eyes feel's like if I was perfect they would look at me with love in there eyes because my sisters are if I was just prefect like them will I finely feel free ?..... if I was just skinny if I was just pretty like them people say I look like my sisters but I look at myself....Weres my perfected skinny body at where is my beautiful face huh what do you mean I look like them cant you see am not them ??? it's so clear that am not skinny or pretty maybe if I was like my sister noema would my dad stop saying am fat ? what if I stop eating to make him HAPPY AT ONCE WHAT IF I THROW UP EVERY LITTEL THING I EAT AND MY STOUMCH will stop getting bigger and bigger HUH !!! will everyone stop calling ME FAT HUH if I was just pretty like my sis and skinny if I was skinny would they if say anything they said to me that I want to kill my self for it will they look at me with loving eyes like they loved me HUH they say every life has a happy ending at every age and every birthday you have but I don't think this one does only if I was skinny they will finely stop treating me like a peace of shit I don't know when this hate or obsession to be skinny will stop or the hate of my body I have but I know it will follow me .....the END