Notes

A Very Potter Senior Year Performed by STARKID
Songs by Jeff Blim, Clark Baxtresser and AJ Holmes
Additional songs by Darren Criss
Written by Matt and Nick Lang
Prop design (not puppets) by Matt Lang

ACT 1 PART 1
NARRATOR: A dark stage. We here the ding of an elevator as it comes to a stop. An elevator voice says:
ELEVATOR VOICE: Bottom floor. The department of mysteries
LUNA: Lumos!
(lights up)
NEVILLE: Luna! Wait for me!
LUNA: Come on Neville!
NEVILLE: Sorry, its a nervous tick, I slow down whenever I have to hurry up.
LUNA: Wow we`re here! The department of mysteries! I`sent it wonderful? All the worlds most mysterious and magical anomalies in one booby-trapped labyrinth? I wanna see the room of death!
NEVILLE: Can we just find the rest of the-
LUNA: Smile Neville!
NEVILLE: Can we just find the rest of the DA before they, GULP, find us?
LUNA: Ooooooh yeah we`re on a mission! The very last of the death eaters broke in and we gotta catch them! Maybe I should turn my flash off......
(camera flashes unexpectedly)
LUNA: Oops! That was a good one!
(Neville jumps ,scared, into Lunas arms)
LUNA: Neville! Come on! Whats the worst that could happen?
NEVILLE: We could get caught by the Death Eaters!
LUNA: I think you mean killed. We could get killed by the Death Eaters! That would be a lot worse!
NEVILLE: Oh d-d-d-dear!
SONG: THIS IS THE END
LUNA: ITS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING BUT TONIGHT IS THE END OF THE WAR MY FRIEND
TOMMOROW ONLY ONE SIDE WILL REMAIN
WE WILL WIN OR WE WILL LOSE THE FIGHT EIGHTHER WAY ITS THE END NO USE TO PRETEND
ITS THE FINNAL SHOW WE GOTTA GO MEET OUR DESTINY
THIS IS THE END!
(Death Eaters grumbling)
NEVILLE: Oh no Death Eaters!
LUNA: Oh, be merciful and kill us quickly!
FENRIR: Well well well... If it isn`t Luna Lovegood and Neville Shlongbottom...
LUNA: GASP! Fenrir Greyback!
(takes photo)
DEATH EATER 1: Can we kill `em now sir?
FENRIR: Oh oh oh! These little piggies are going to make a yummy snack! But not yet. (growls) For now they will serve as hostages. The rest of Dumbledore`s army must be here, (sniffs) somewhere. (growls)
NEVILLE: You wont get away with this you villains!
FENRIR: OH REALLY!? You DA brats have been a thorn in our side for your 6th year at Hogwarts. But tonight, we reclaim the ultimate weapon! And the Death Eaters shall rise again!
FENRIR AND DEATH EATERS (this is the end): Your time is running out were is your hero now?
You can look everywhere but he is nowhere to be found!
You look to your right! Your not gonna find him! You look to your left! He is not even there! Dont even try ,He doesent care about you! Hes moved on! HES GONE HES GONE HES GONE! This is the end!


FENRIR: Here it is! At last! Finally! The ultimate artifact of evil is within my grasp! Now all of wizardom shall fall to the Dark Mark! You two, however, you wont be around to see the show. Ohhh Ive been working on this evil plan for so long. Im starting to get a healthy apetite. And you too are gonna make a nice wierdo sandwich! With an extra side of moron!
(Ron enters)
RON: Did somebody say ron?
FENRIR: OH NO NO NO!
NEVILLE AND LUNA: RON!!!
FENRIR: I said moro-
RON: STUPEFY!(the diary glides into rons hand) YES! Come on guys lets get out of here!



LUNA NEVILLE AND RON: This is the end!
RON: Of all the fighting!
LUNA NEVILLE AND RON: This is the end!
RON: Of people dying!
LUNA NEVILLE AND RON: This is the end!
RON: Theres no trying to deny its gonna be us or them!
LUNA NEVILLE AND RON: This is the end!


RON: Okay! Were sopposed to meet Hermione in here.
HERMIONE (dressed as a death eater): RON, there you are! Wait were are your Death Eater disguises?
LUNA: Neville a Death Eater! Protect Me!
NEVILLE: Take this you Death Eater this is for my family! (starts punching and kicking Hermione)
RON: NO NO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!STOP IT!!! Thats my girlfriend!
NEVILLE: Oh d-d-d-dear!
HERMIONE: oh goddamit Ron I think my nose is broken! (takes mask off) Whats the damage?
RON: WOAH! I, Hermione, I mean, I dont want to scare you or anything but... you look hot!
HERMIONE: Well i may look different, but you should all treat me like the same old Hermione you know and love. (turns to audience) And that goes for all you too. (winks) Ron is that a book? I have never seen you carrying one of those before!
RON: No its a diary, we are trying to keep it away from the Death Eaters!
LUNA: And it is really fun-
DEATH EATER 1: RAAAAGGHHH!!
RON AND HERMIONE: DEATH EATERS!!!!!!!!



Its been a long time coming but tonight is the end of the war my friend
tomorrow only one side will remain
this is the end
our time is running out
this is the end
where is our hero now?
this is the end
he is nowhere to be found
this is the end
of all the fighting
This is the end
Of people dying!
this is the end
theres no trying to deny its gonna be us or them
this is the end
this is the end
this is the end
this is the end
this is the end
this is the end
this is the end
this is the end
this is the end
this is the end


FENRIR: AURGH I finally caught up to you little bastards! Now hand over the diary, you nerd! (grabs Hermione)
NEVILLE: HERMIONE!!!!!!!!
HERMIONE: NEVILLE HELP ME!
(HARRY ENTERS!)
HARRY: EXPELLIARMUS
(death eaters run away)
FENRIR: Where are you going? HES JUST A CHILD!
HARRY: Im not a child anymore! Im 17 years old. Happy Birthday to me! And what better present to get than all the Death Eaters trapped all conveniently trapped in one place wrapped in a big red bow? You made a big mistake coming here tonight Fenrir.
FENRIR: You arrogant little shi-
HARRY: Youve been trying to kill me all year, and now you threaten my friends? Lets finish this!
FENRIR: As you wish. AVADA KEDAV-
HARRY: Jelly legs jinx!
FENRIR: WOAH!!!!!OH NO! My legs!
WIZARD COP1: FER-EEZ MUTHA FUCKA!!!!! WE`RE THE WIZARD COPS!
WIZARD COP 2: On the ground!
RON: Oh hey thanks good buddy.
HERMIONE: Harry!
KINGSLY: Well chocolate frogs Harry Potter di it again y`all.
HERMIONE: Kingsly Shakolbolt the Minister of Magic!
KINGSLEY: And chief of the wizard cops.
WIZARD COP 2: WORD!
KINGSLEY: Well now the y`all have saved the world and rounded up the last of the Death Eaters, I gotta ask ya, why the hell cant you kids just let me do my job for once?
HERMIONE: Oh no Mr Shaklebolt, you dont understand. We had to stop those Death Eaters. Harry was having these visions-
KINGSLEY: Oh yeah I already heard the whole story from your defence against the dark arts teacher. Hes the one that let us know to come here tonight. Come on in Alastor.
MOODY: Elo elo elo.
STUDENTS: Mad Eye Moody!??
MOODY: Thats right. Its some fine work here Potter. I taught you well.
HARRY: Thanks Proffesor
MOODY: And you defeated Fenrir Greyback did you?
RON: He sure did!
MOODY: Nice. Very nice.
HERMIONE: Looks like the Death Eaters were after this. But we managed to keep it away from them!
MOODY: Thats a good thing you did Miss Granger. If the Death Eaters were to get hold of that the whole world would be in jeopardy. Best hand it over to me now. I`ll keep it nice and safe.
HARRY: Oh Im sure you would Proffesor Moody. Or should I say Barty Crouch Junior
CROUCH: Blimey. Alright. Nobody move!(pulls out gun)Wands on the ground, wands on the ground, right now put them in a pile! Im not fucking around this time! Alright, alright. So Potter. Howd you know it was me? I had my suspicions for a while.It was briefly mentioned that Mad Eye Moody had died during my 2nd year but I wasent sure it was you untill tonight. Now your gonna answer for your crimes.
CROUCH: Oh yeah? Ive got a better idea.(grabs Kingsley) Nobody move a goddam muscle. Me and Mr Shaklebolt over here are going on a little journey on the flu network. And none of you jive-ass little bobbies are gonna follow ya dig?
KINGSLEY: We dig Moody We dig.
HARRY: But Barty if your going on vacation, I know a first rate hotel that offers free bodyguard service and meals. And has every amenity in the world. One could live there.
COUCH: Oh really sounds lie they require some reservations.
HARRY: No you dont need ,any for hotel azkaban!
RON: Yeah!
CROUCH: Ha ha Potter.Always a joker. You self-righteose son of a bitch. Oh whats the matter Potter? Afraid of a little muggle toy. Well lets even the stakes then.(drops gun and lets go of Kingsley) Its just you and me now. Lets settle it the old fashioned way. Mono e mono. Man to man.(prepares to fight)Fist to face. Come ere you little bastard.
HERMIONE: Stupefy!
CROUCH: No!
KINGSLEY: That was some quick thinking. That just saved my life. But that still doesent excuse what you kids did here tonight. Breaking into the department of mysteries, flying thestrals right through the queens day parade. You kids may think DA can take on the world, but y`all should have let me know the minute you heard some funky shit was going down here tonight.
HARRY: Im sorry kingsly we just didnt have the time-
KINGSLEY: You know what Potter-boy-big-boy-Potter? Your a hot shot loose cannon. Its that kind of maverick attitude...that makes you perfect for the wizard cops.
STUDENTS: WOW!
KINGSLEY: So what do you say HP? Are ya ready to join the force and take a bite out of crime.
HARRY: Id love to but... I cant.
KINGSLEY: And why the hell not?
HARRY: Caus Im going back to Hogwarts! Senior year starts September 1st.
KINGSLEY: Haha well your right Potter. Its a shame though. You woulda made one good-god-damn-wizard-god-damn-wizard hell of a wizard cop.Alright boys lets get out of here.(exit)
HARRY: (turns to Barty) Huh. Beaten again. You Death Eaters never learn. Your Dark Lords been dead for 5 years. Why do you guys keep hanging onto somthing thats over?
BARTY: If its over for me then its over for you too. You see all you are, is someone who fights us. Once we are all gone the world wont need a hero anymore.If the Dark Lord cant live forever than neither can you.
(Harry hits Crouch with script)
HARRY: Take him away.

ACT 1 PART 2
(Lights up on the burrow)
MOLLY: Rise and shine Weasleys! Its September 1st and you know what that means. You little knuckleheads better get dressed and packed and ready to leave for school after breakfast!
GINNY: Mom have you seen my boyfriend, Harry Potter?
MOLLY: No, dear, I haven`t. Ive got all these extra kids in the house. Bill`s wife, Ron`s girlfriend, Harry`s girlfriend...(Ginny looks at her Mother, confused) I`m swamped! Would you go and wake everybody up for me?
GINNY: OK Mom!
NARRATOR: Ginny walks up the crooked stairs to the bedroom, where she finds Ron sitting on the edge of the bed, lightly strumming a guitar and singing with his meager voice-
RON: HEY!
NARRATOR: Sorry Ron.
GINNY: HEYYY, HARRY POTTER TIME FOR BREAKFAST!!
RON: AAAAHHGG!! You ever heard of knocking? Get out of my room!
GINNY: Oooooh, its my room too Ronald! What are you doing in here anyway?
RON: None of your beeswax thunderbutt!
CHARLIE: Hes writing a love song for his girlfriend!
RON: Charlie get out of here!
FLUER: I think its romantic.
RON: Fluer!
BILL: I think your romantic!
FLUER: BILL!!!
(Bill and Fluer smooch)
RON: Ugh, just, just get a room you two!
BILL: This is our room!
PERCY: WILL YOU ALL SHUT YOUR FAT FACES!! ITS THE ASS CRACK OF DAWN!!!
BILL: Percy, your just jealous of Ronnies girlfriend and my beautiful wife.
PERCY: As if. Ugh Im gonna go sleep in the garden. At least the gnomes are quet.
RON: No Percy dont go out there Hermione is reading in the garden.
PERCY: So? Wh-why isnt she here with you Mr. Perfect?
CHARLIE: Yeah whats up Ron? Why didnt Hermione crawl into bed with us last night?
ALL EXEPT RON AND CHARLIE: Yeah?
RON: Well she was up last night reading. We havent been spending to much time together `cause shes really into these young adult novels lately. I thought I could sweep Hermione of her feet if I wrote her a song. Im just trying to get her to kiss me again!
CHARLIE: (massaging Rons shoulders) Well when was the last time she kissed you buddy?
RON: Let me think...Um, yeah yeah it was that first time.
FLUER: As someone who is so very happy in love, I have advice for you. Just-how you say-uh be yourself!
GINNY: Yeah Ron. Girls dont want cheesy compliments, songs, or surprise presents.
NARRATOR: Just then Harry literally surfs into the room on a heart shaped guitar held up by enchanted rose petals. Harry then surfs onto the bed and flips the guitar into the air. He sings:
HARRY: Ginny Ginny Ginny Ginny your cool your my girlfriend I love you so much your hotter than all the other girlfriends that ever were in the world!
GINNY: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Harry grins)
HARRY: Oh I love you Ginny Weasley! Your the most magical creature Ive seen in my life. SUPRISE! A present from your boyfriend.
(hands over the diary they were keeping from the Death Eaters)
GINNY: Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh! What is it, What is it, What is it? Oh a diary! Harry Potter you are the best boyfriend!
(Ginny kisses Harry)
GINNY: Oooh Im gonna go write in it now! Eeeehehehehehaha
HARRY: Hey Ron, hey Weaslys!
WEASLYS: Hey good buddy!
(Ron shoots a look at his brothers.)
HARRY: Guys, thanks for letting me stay at the Burrow all summer!
RON: Hey no problem, pal. Im sorry you had to share a bed with Ginny. It must be WIERD sleeping with your girlfriend.
HARRY: No...No it was weird that your mom was there too. And you. And your whole family like all in one bed. You guys are so poor!
RON: Well are you all packed for Hogwarts?
HARRY: Yep I got my invisibility cloak, that piece of mirror Sirius gave me and my talkboy. What I cant find is my lucky snitch.
RON: Do you mean the one Dumbledore left you when he died?
HARRY: Yeah. Have you seen it? It has an inscription on the side that says " I open at the close ". Whatever the fuck that means.
( Charlie Bill and Fluer exit. Bill and Fluer exit deep in smooch. Ron is annoyed by this)
RON: Man, I am literally surrounded by people kissing! Bill and Fluer! You and Ginny! I wanna do that!
HARRY: Dude shes your sister, Just ask her!
RON: EUUUUGH!
(hermione enters)
HERMIONE: Oh wow! Our depressed heroine reluctantly settles for the doughy boy next door. Another perfect ending to another perfect adult novel series....
(Ron whispers something to Harry and points to Hermione. Harrys gleeful expression does not change whatsoever)
The Hunger Games by Gilderoy Lockheart!
HARRY: Im sorry, Im sorry, who, whos Gilderoy Lockheart? ( RON: Yeah?)
HERMIONE: WHOS Gilderoy Lockheart?? Hes only my favourite author and idol. Hes given the world so many amazing novel series! Like the twilight series, the hunger games, Percy Jackson and whatever he did...
HARRY: Twilight oh, oh yeah Ive heard of those! I dont like how those books objectify men.
HERMIONE: Oh yeah? Have you ever read them? Have you ever even read a book?
HARRY: Have you ever not read a book!
HERMIONE: No! God I cant stand people who dont read! Ron did you finish The Hunger Games? I gave you the first book weeks ago!
RON:Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh-yes! Yes it-it was a good. It was good-it was a good game.
HERMIONE: Oh yeah. What was it about?