Notes

I feel like I am not the one for you after all this. When you asked for space I said ok. But this morn I found myself crying to my parent. Idk what I want in life. I don't even think I can keep you happy because that would mean keeping myself unhappy. I don't know I just feel my life shattering past two days (LONGEST DAYS OF MY LIFE)
Since I have come here I am not comfortable with your past again. Every time i walk past some halls all i think is he might have been with her right at this spot. bunking classes chilling together.
The dream I had with you before I started overthinking. And then you have another girl. It just seems all overwhelming and too much. I am not at peace both way. Because of all the overthinking sometimes I just DON'T want you. Like literally. Don’t want you. But the minute I step away. My heart hurts too. It wants you. It finds peace from your voice and from you being around. I am just so stressed with school work but when you are around something calms me down, even though it's the same load. Sometimes I hate that I need you to stay calm because of Idk us not feeling the same about a lot of things but most of the times I just love that I have someone to fall on. You know the times I said I don't want you in my life anymore. I really meant it. But I also always came back because of me. Because I can't live without you and before you say it's attachment. Just think carefully. Anyway. I know I am playing this nasty game which hasn't been fair on u for the past few weeks but everything just hurts too much. I am calm when you are there but I am not at peace and happy and when you are not there I am none of the above. Honestly I don't know who I am without you and you do. It's scary. You can live without me. My whole life has been planned around you and every time it feels like you'll leave; I don't know who the hell I am without you. I love that I work as a team but its scary. If you leave. I don't know where I stand and that's why I end up putting on the independent act many of the times. I feel like at least before I knew everything else was uncertain in my life but I knew you were the certainty and balance. But now I don't even know/ have that.
Zaiku I am not playing the blame game here. I am just throwing out what I feel without even thinking twice. Which I haven’t done in a very very long time because I always felt judged. And honestly I won’t be surprised if the same thing happens again but I am ready to do this all over again because they only person that brings me peace and a smile to my face is. 
Seeing Kiara’s insta just threw me off for some reason. I know you are not that guy anymore so the only thing that puts me off about her is same thing as Alisha. It’s killing me on the inside. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep living without you either. You don’t use words as affirmation because you think showing makes more sense. Which could be true but not in a long distance relationship. I hate that you had another girl in your room. Everything is killing me. I can’t share you. There is no way on earth I can ever share you. Forget girls, I don’t want to share you with your own brother (well that’s just my insecurities which you never decided to comfort me about or maybe you did but never felt enough) SO with girls it’s just too much Zaik. I am sorry but if you had asked me or even told me about the couple before they stepped into that room and shared a bed with you I might have still been okay But you not even informing me beforehand stung real hard. And you will never accept stuff about men and women but I hope one day you realize that society isn’t your wife or the person you need to live with for the rest of your life and keep happy. Society has their opinions. And yours wife’s are different. If it’s so hard for you to acknowledge her opinions (because she doesn’t give a … about what society says)trust me that will hurt her. Society is a third party thing. If I accept or don’t. It’s different. I don’t ignore your feelings or your thoughts. I hear YOU and try to do things that you want me to do. Even if it’s according to society I will do it if it makes you happy. I don’t think you ever reciprocate that for me. I can’t stand seeing you with any other girl same you can’t stand seeing me with another guy. If I can respect that I really hope you can respect my feelings. 
On another note. About insecurities, everyone has them and they will never go away overnight. I wish you’d understand that and would comfort me continuously. Even if it gets tiring and exhausting. Because I would do that for you without blinking my eyes. I don’t want you to be me. I just want you to be there for me every time. I get that I can be exhausting and I am asking for too much but I am genuinely insecure about you leaving me even if it’s for your brothers. I have no sibling and my family is YOU. You and my parents. And that’s all that it is. Literally you and my parents. I wish you knew how much that means to me. Sometimes it just feels I am not on the same level as your family for you and that hurts. 

I actually want to get somewhere with this. Find permanent peace with each other.