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I was sitting in my room watching the RR on television, cheering for Noah and Owen. They were my friends so obviously I wanted them to win! I had a crush on Noah for a long time. When I saw Emma and Kitty, and how in love Noah was with Emma my heart hurt. Like a ton I wanted to be her so bad, but I didnt wanna be a girl. I was uncomfortable in my body as a girl thats why I wear binders and stuff! I just wanted Noah to look at me like he looks at her.. Thats all I want. For him to look at me and actually talk, and not be reading and ignoring everything I say responding with "Yeah." "Okay" "Shut Up" or "Go Away" with her its always "Oh Emma your so pretty!" "Oh Emma your so smart!" or "Oh Emma your so perfect!" and what hurts is he actually listens to her! he puts his stupid book down just to look at her! I hate this feeling of Jealousy over a girl I will never be like. Lets face it. Im not smart, Im not pretty, And im defiantly not perfect. Lightning on the other hand will listen to me! Hes been with me since day 1.. im pretty sure he likes Scott tho.. I guess im doing everything wrong. I end up curling into a ball crying myself to sleep instead of calling Lightning, or Owen and Noah to congratulate them on winning another challenge.

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