Notes

100 reasons why/moments where I love isla erin taylor (/fraser/fisher hahaa):
1) you're amazing
2) you're cute
3) 95% blend is crazyy
4) your music taste
5) i can trust you
6) you make me happy
7) cool hair (the taylor bun is annoyingly amazing)
8) good style
9) your rants
10) you're interesting
11) fun to listen to (fr could listen to ur rants for ages)
12) the taylor smirk is amazing
13) jammy is the best nickname i've ever had
14) the good morning texts
15) the good night texts (night night!)
16) favourite notification award goes to...!
17) the tiktoks we send each other
18) im ur maths tutor so naturally i love you
19) your silly billy moments
20) good taste in guys (most of the time)
21) when you say i make you feel better
22) when you say i make you smile
23) you're a busy maisy
24) extremely stubborn
25) lil' ray of sunshine
26) you're smart af
27) you forgive (need that in here)
28) our conversations
29) you're the bestiest bestest best person anyone could ever have in their life
30) when we stay up and talk to each other about random shit
31) we can have serious conversations
32) when u tell me about something ur excited about
33) statue of liberty |o7
34) your mum watching me in her car (W mum but intimidating fr)
35) hand drawings (i need more they're amazing everytime)
36) when you ask me for help (i'll give you help anytime)
37) 1 in 8 billion
38) best person ever!
39) the taylor concentration bun + rolled up sleeves
40) when you try to stop yourself smiling (its extremely obvious but cute)
41) good hands
42) your grandparents sound amazing
43) (i havent mentioned ur dad yet so the dad tea also sounds amazing)
44) our Year 10 history lessons
45) you give good advice
46) you're my guidance in most subjects
47) the way you can start a Red Zone half a page behind me and still catch up and make an amazing Red Zone (u fr are smart asf)
48) fist bump!
49) your playlists make me smile (collaborator!)
50) did i mention ur amazing?
51) your reactions to my playlist are funny
52) hot girls listen to arctic monkeys
53) hot girls listen to maneskin
54) the look of love... the rush of blood... the she's with meeeeeee's the gallic shrug..... the shutterbugs.... the camera plus.. the black and whitee and the colour dodgeeee
55) the taylor flower dresses sound lovely
56) when i win the i love you more arguments (fr love you more)
57) <4
58) amor amor amor
59) strangely when you come to me about random crisies, idk why that makes me smile
60) I JUST REALISED I DIDNT MENTION BUDDYYYYYYYY WHO IS AMAZING AS WELL
61) <3
62) yelloww
63) im ur nurse!
64) you can sing well - eventhough i've never heard you singing :(
65) https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJpxLtYX/
66) head of student/school improvement? o7
67) you can keep up with me (most of the time i think)
68) favourite person to bug
69) love you to the moon and back
70) so whenever you ask me again... how i feelll.... please rememmmberrrrr... my answerrrr is youuuuuuu
71) we both have extreme fangirling capabilities over random things
72) stars dont look like that?! they look like you!
73) me at her house bc she said i love you more (i love her most)
74) when you say i make you cry but then say its hard to make you cry (i just have that power)
75) id give you my last chicken nugget fr
76) https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJpc5fYt/
77) I JUST SORT OF ALWAYS FEEL SICK WITHOUT YOUUU - ALEX TURNER BAE
78) contagious smile alert
79) you're my painkillerrrrr when my brain gets bitterrrrrr
80) you have beautifulll eyes
81) i haven't (consciously) cracked my fingers since
82) you have the power to brighten up my day no matter what
83) no one will EVER love you more than I do (give or take maybe a few like ur parents or grandparents but still give me a break smh)
84) you made year 10 the best year of my entire life
85) good hugs (never had a taylor hug - i accept that i'll never get one but observing how you literally crush the souls out of everyone you hug is funny)
86) you're extremely important to me
87) you're extremelly special and unique in my eyes
88) https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJp7tEKV/
89) i feel bad for denying basit the chance to pick up your pen when you dropped it that one sad English lesson, but it still makes me smile
90) did i mention that ur playlists are amazing? idek but i lowkey want an excuse to share another playlist because i love them (dw ill find a good excuse)


last 10! i have a feeling these last 10 are either going to be really cringy or extremely cringy but fuck it - yolo.


91) i might as well start with the thing that i was gonna tell you ages ago, but said i'll tell you at the end of Year 11. considering it involves dymun, you might already know, but one day in a random Chemistry lesson we played truth or dare and my truth was "who's the hottest girl in Year 10" and her truth was "who's the hottest guy in Year 10." Naturally, she chose some incredibly strange choice (she was in her yusuf phase here), and unfortunately for me the first thing I thought of was "i can't choose the hottest girl?" (i was forced to choose). so naturally after thinking for 0.5 milliseconds i thought of isla taylor. and that scared me because there was no way I was admitting to dymun that taylor was the hottest girl in year 10 i'll never get over it. so after an immense amount of delay and fake thinking, i admitted that isla taylor was indeed, the hottest girl in year 10 - and i have to admit that I stick with that choice to this day, and im sure it will bite me in back some day but for now its a yolo moment admitting this. im shocked that i admitted that so easily - dymun has a strange aura that makes you admit everything knowing that she probably wont give a fuck. although even admitting that you had nice hands to dymun was a pain, despite a confession from herself on behalf of both of you saying that i also had nice hands.



92) ive mentioned being your maths tutor in here once or twice, so my second confession is of course related to that. in terms of maths, i think from Year 9 in Mrs Edwards class, i've always wanted to help you in particular - if i had finished a question i would turn to my right (if I remember you sat on the table to my right in one of the seating plans), and see if you had done the same question and, if you hadn't, hoping you would ask me. that sounds very nerdy, but i'll always remember Mrs Edwards giving out green pens to people who had finished asking them to help people around the class, and my utter nervousness in walking straight to your table (i had to make detours around other tables before getting the courage to walk to the infamous table), because I truly wanted to help you. and then of course walking into Year 10 Mr Jarvis' class whenever a seating plan had changed, and hoping that it would favour us sitting next to each other. it never did, and then I assume you agreed with Hamza to sit next to each other the next time so that didn't favour us at all - but i would still low-key make myself 100% available no matter what on Sundays and Mondays, assuming that would be the day you did your Maths homework. I've just realise this confession makes me sound super desperate, but hopefully we sit next to each other in Year 11 Maths (whether agreeing with Mr Jarvis before, or not and just letting him sit us where he wants hoping i'm next to you). if you don't want to sit next to me by agreement, i'll still help you on homework and Maths revision whenever. (yeah I sort of slowly made myself available for you on Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and maybe Wednesdays sometimes for your homework because it started to get unpredictable - which then turned into available 24/7)



93) hmmmm so number 93. im trying to think of something that i can confess that wouldn't bite me in the back too hard. on that note, i think i ought to pay respects to our playlists (6 playlists shared?). what was the first playlist we shared? i think it was the kpop playlist, and then you fr teased me to that jpop playlist and forced me to watch Alice in Borderland fully to unlock the jpop secrets. first things first, those 2 playlists by themselves are just amazing. it took me a while to realise what the korean and japanese translated to (google translate fucked me up, I had to use chatgpt and explain the context for it to actually make sense). and then i made a jpop playlist in loving inspiration of taylor which uh, didn't end very well (your jpop playlist is ofc superior) but then of course you had to be even more amazing and make a cpop playlist which is also amazing af. thinking about all three of your playlists make me smile. i cant get over the moment where i figured out what the descriptions meant and then clocked that its a private playlist with only us two - so wait a minute... hahahaa that makes me smile a lot. and then you invited me to a blend (after deleting your message and making me beg you to tell me what you wanted to ) which started off as 88% but now is somehow on 96% and probably rising (definitely gonna be your highest for a while). and then of course the 6th playlist, the one that this link is in right now. i was initially scared of showing you the playlist with my options for your top 3 songs, but your reaction made that go away and update it to what it is now. im not sure if its losing its effect and whether i should stop or whether you pay much attention to it anymore, but for now im keeping it updated slowly.



94) number 94! these paragraphs look like they are getting longer so i'll go to a nice short one. im not sure if you remember this one, but one lesson (can't remember what lesson), i asked for a metal paperclip and got 2 i think. so naturally, with one of them i started to make a heart. it was shaping up nicely, it was triggering knowing that the paperclip could physically pierce my skin any moment if i slip, but that added to the carving. at first it was just a mission to make a heart, but then it became a "wait hol up what if i make a heart for taylor that would be cute". So after like 3 periods of trying to make this heart (it was hard as fuck) i finished it! in biology (it was probably a boring lesson). it made me so happy, and i was preparing to give it to you the next lesson that i could in the most un-sus way possible. but being me, whilst fiddling with it i dropped it and because it was metal, it blended in with the biology classroom floor so no matter how hard i scanned the floor i couldn't find it. i remember just sitting there for 10 minutes shocked about what just happened and having mental trauma from dropping it, like checking my pockets to see if it was there hahahaa. of course after a while i realised that it was long gone, but i'll never remember dropping that and feeling so bad about myself. i just realised that this was supposed to be a short paragraph, oh well, next one for sure.



95) okay you definitely remember this i think. one english lesson Amalia had minion cards (you know where this is going) and we both asked for one and drew each other and wrote our names on the back of them (just in case someone saw them we could turn them around and immediately remember who we were drawing because the drawings were for sure not gonna tell us that, they were not accurate at all). oh and i remember you made the taylor minion have really long blue hair or something despite my drawing being amazing. but anyway, yeah i still have the taylor drawing somewhere, i think my glasses case got abandoned by my glasses and became the home of the minion, and then shortly after, the home of that small blue card that you did the heart on before my english speaking and listening speech. aight that one was a short one hahaaa.



96) im debating on doing a short one or a long one for number 96. idk we'll see how long this gets (no sus intended). oh yes, tiktok. of course i had to mention the tiktoks we send each other. i think i need to make it clear that i loved the tiktoks you used to send me, they made me smile. but of course i need to mention my confession which ive declared somehow links to these tiktoks. well, ever since we started to send each other tiktoks, i used to favourite tiktoks that i would send to you, but either didn't want to bug you too much or was too scared to send you. there's still tiktoks in my favourites that i haven't sent you, not sure whether i am indeed too scared to send them or whether i think i would bug you too much (or both). and then of course i loved the tiktoks that i'd @ you in, and the reactions that would follow - being 110% scared of how you would respond. that one was quite short actually.



97) im in on the way back from hospital right now, but i thought of this and felt like this was the time to write number 97. i think its possible for me to die from one of these panic attacks, because my heart doesn't work very well in making me get oxygen in the moment leading to either me passing out or if gets really severe with no-one around to help i could die from lack of oxygen or, if i cut myself during the panic attack, bleeding out. im sorry, but i couldn't tell you that in a DM, i had to put it into one of these because the idea sort of scares me. the hospital people mentioned it but said it was rare for it to happen, but a possibility that we should keep in our minds because my body isn't very good and i feel like im adjusting myself to the idea that that could happen. on that note, i think i can risk confessing most things now - obviously not everything because there's no way im balancing this on a rare possibility that one day i just drop dead because that would be extremely embarassing. of course i still have to write number 97 which is just going to be a simple "i love you". how many times i have said that im not sure, but i just want to make it clear that i do if you didn't get the picture already. i. love. you. (lots).

and part of me wants to apologise for myself and im not sure why. im not sure whether me entering your life has made it better or worse, like i'm just an extra problem to think about. im not sure on a lot of things about us and that scares me, im usually quite sure about many things so being unsure about whats happening now is admittedly scary, and is unfortunately the kind of thoughts that cause this to happen. ive always loved you, whether ive said that in Year 9 or not I have, since we met in fact - and we've always been good friends and its sort of that moment where you question whether this is that level of friendship that you needed, something more, or neither. that sounds really silly, but truth is whether i knew it or not, ive been chasing something more for the entire year - with mini (and not so mini) notes, the playlist, and more notes and just me trying to be there for you. unintentionally and ironically, i indeed made myself a fool, waiting for you. i think its obvious by now that this part of number 97 was not written on the way back from hospital, in fact its actually the 24th of August and im currently struggling to type with 2 hands because i accidentally cut myself (thankfully this didn't need a hospital). im fine enough to write this of course - and it doesn't hurt that badly. most of me is confused why instead of resting i decided to just go all out on this one number, but then again i'm confused on a lot of things. i'm confused on why i texted you good morning and then deleted it today, im also confused on why i continue to seek something more out of what we have despite clarification in that one awkward History lesson where we both confirmed that we were friends and only friends. i think i just noticed a drop of retention recently: i assumed you weren't checking the playlist and it didn't mean anything to you anymore; i also assumed you were getting bored of me bugging you; and extremely bored of me attempting to show a fraction of how much i loved you. i sent you that tiktok 2 days ago saying that if you ever got bored of me you should tell me, in which you responded saying you never will - and as much as that part of me that chased you wants to accept that, there's that realistic part of me that realises you probably will get bored, maybe even after reading this you think this lore is too deep for me and dip and in fact i wouldn't blame you. this is in fact some deep lore. im going too deep here. i think i was stuck between wanting a good relationship and good friendship - i wanted that bugging cringy shit even if we were to only be friends, that going out and doing random things, going out to the movies in the rain whatever etc - i think that was what i was chasing and needless to say i believe i both failed to achieve that and also failed to make you see that that would've been some good vibes. god, you're probably either crying or frightened asf, or both - so i'll just end it with i do love you lots, always forever. and if this means anything to you, say something, and if not just ignore that i ever said this part of the note.



98) number 98, 2 more to go. so far this has been quite cringy, but we move and indeed yolo it. number 98 links to number 96 a bit, in the fact that its about bugging. yeah whenever i used to start a conversation i would have like 10 minutes pre-prep of all the scenarios that could happen, and contemplate whether or not i should start the conversation in the first place - even now, mentioning you in tiktoks/sending tiktoks to you requires some anjam thinking time before i do it - but for some reason it always ends in the yolo thoughts and me pressing the send button and then just yeeting my phone across the room (god its literally just a tiktok why am i so paranoid that your reaction would be bad im not sure but i think its just injected in me to expect disappointment). this was of course extremely highlighted when i replied to one of your insta stories saying that you slayed the dress you were wearing (expected). how long it took me to send that message im not sure but i do have to admit it probably did take a lot of time, and many renditions ("SLAYING" / "WOOO" / "WEHEYY" / "AMAZING" / you get the idea). number 98 is an uncomfortable one to admit cant lie.



99) 1 more to go after this. its totally not 4am here. okay so what can i risk confessing for number 99. im supposed to text you later on telling you that it happened again but im sort of dreading it. i dont really want to put this much pressure on you so im even refraining from adding this to the note and telling you the password. but on a happy note, i think we should move onto signs. i just had a light bulb moment and remembered the days where you would give me a "sign" saying that i can walk with you eventhough i completely missed the sign. im not sure why you couldn't ask me to walk with you directly but it all worked out on the days where we would still walk together despite me missing your signs. i miss the days where we would walk together, i love the time where you spotted a random tree and crossed the road at an immaculate pace just to witness the cherry blossom (it was not a cherry blossom), but admittedly was still a pretty tree. considering i missed the walking signs, im not actually sure what other signs ive missed and now im getting paranoid that all this time youve been signing to me that we should walk together and ive missed all of them. signs are hard fr. although i do remember the days where i would ditch Charnveer and walk the long way making sure to accidentally look backwards and see whether you were behind or not (and whether or not Layyah was there), and then slowing down to attempt to make conversation but looking back once more and realising that you also slowed down and then realising that i should stop holding you up. it was all calculated quite well. im still thinking of that time where you crossed the road so fast to look at that tree eventhough it wasnt a cherry blossom and its making me smile. omg and that time where i stepped in what looked like shit and tried to smear it on the ground - or as you probaly remember more, that time where a bird shit on you and you texted me saying that a bird had shit on you despite me being behind you. hahaaa, nah the pain you mustve experienced on that walk with shit on you must've been immense. funny times.



100) tbc maybe