Notes

Monday, May 29th 2023
its been a rollercoaster of emotions, feelings, thoughts, experiences. I wasnt feeeling my best these past couple of days. I just felt out of sync with my body and mind and I wasnt really aware of my human form just very sacluded from life and everyone around me. I ignored these feelings untill they finally got to me. Me failing my chapter 2 quiz in grant really shocked me and it hurt me alot and that triggered my crying then I just felt like shit and I coulndt stop crying because I had other shit botttled up. But then Jwan came in the building and I opened up to him and just cryied it out with him just listeing and being there for me which I really appreicted. And even though in that moment I felt horrible and relized that I could be going through depression I also grew at the same time because past me would not have spoke my feelings i would just ignore them and move on. But that is not what I ddi and im so very glad because I strongly belive that converstation helped me out alot. And Im not gonna lie and say the feeling has gone away completely its diffenelty still lingering but I also know that I am not alone and I have to take care of myself and remeber that I am not going to fully heal on my own and that theres some things That I will need help with because I dont know everyhting and im learing and growing everday and theres people out there who can truly help me. So i want to be able to talk to someone even though its going to be an uncomfrotable epercience its to help myself and I love myselfn enough to let her suffer. The healing process is not over and I just have to take it one day at a time. So graduation is in 3 weeks and I was chosen to be a student speaker at grudation and Im exicted but nervous only because I know i am going to cry and Im not sure if im ready to cry in front of all those people but Ill push through because I highkey wanted to speak at graduation and I think it will be a very memorable expericence on such an emotional day. dont know when Im going to start writing the speech but I know its going to be a beautiful one. So everday im learning someone new about myself and Im glad to say im starting to be more open about my sexuality and sexual things and my desires atleast to myself which is a good start. I am attrated to both genders but I dont see myself having sex with a man or a good relationship but part of me is like how do I know before I try it out and i dont have to have everythign figured out this is what life about. im fully attracted to girls and I see myself having more emotion with a relationship but thats a whole jounrey in its self and its going to take alot of courage and trust in myself and others to be able to really figure out what I want from a partner. I definitley want to have my fun first. I want a passionate kiss and cuddles and amazing sex. But these things arent talked about so its hard to start proccessing that into my reality because part of me still beileves that a romatic life isnt in my future and its just an outside thing but I know its okay to want those things and experience those things because im human and I have so much love to give. All in good timing i know and I know the universe alrealdy has it figured out. I just need to hold on and continue loving myself unconditionally. Im really grateful for my friend Gia weve have become very close and Im glad I have someone like her to confide in we also have some unspoken tension and I kinda want to kiss her and be passionate with her but I also dont want to ruin what we have and I get those vibes from her but if something does happen I woulnt want to end our friendship but I dont hate the idea of being romatic with her and were already good friends and we joke about it but I think its slowly becoming a serious thing but Ill just go with the flow and embrace the scared instead of letting it control me. Today was a wonderful day, I am in a good mood and I talked to myslef and was on my side instead of against and I really appreciated myself today and took my time. I am grateful for today, for my family and friends, for my school family, for my computer for my room and my music, my diffusiour, my wisdom and strength. I love me so much and I am done living for others and craving their validation because I chose who opionions matter to me and I have full control. Thank you spirtis for sticking by me I love you dearly and I cant wait to hug you one day. I love you I love you I love you and I trust you even more each and every day. Thank you for my body for still working and keeping me alive im not the best host but I appreciate you even more for it.