Notes

I love you so much Christian. You make me feel things ive never felt before. From even before we were dating. Like in electrical when we listened to music and u remembered which songs i like, or when you would let me use ur sweater as a blanket when i got cold, how you let me rant to you and talk about my drama, how we always cracked jokes and laughed, how you bought me candy or shared candy with me. It was all the little sweet things that gave me this feeling in my stomach that someone cared about me. Those were the things i would replay in my head and smile because everything you did was always so genuine. Now that you're my boyfriend and we've spent some time together, I've fallen in love with you. As you know, I've had my first love. It was nothing like this. You make me feel things words can't even explain. I love every inch of you and I love every single thing you do. Even tho I'm really bad at showing how much I love and care about you i do. A wholeeeeee lot. I'm sorry i don't show it much it's just kinda hard. It's hard to show you something not physical and hard for me to show you something i showed once before and got hurt. Even though you said you care and you're not leaving and you're here to talk, I'm still scared. Scared I'm gonna mess it all up again, but even worse since its gonna be with someone i really want to be with forever. I'm not good with showing affection, im not good with communicating (which is prolly why im writing this..), or comforting people, I'm not good at remembering the little things, im not good at expressing myself, or even opening up. But I'm trying because i really do love you a lot. And don't think that because i haven't opened up to you that I don't trust you. You have proven many times that you are trustworthy and i trust you with my life atp but, not that it's like bad or anything, i just don't want you to see that side of me. Even tho ik eventually your gonna have to but idk. I feel like my feelings were always pushed to the side so now when i try to talk about them i struggle. Or i feel like i make it all about myself and that it doesn't matter. Im sorry that half the time when you rant to me idk what to say. Im sorry that when you're affectionate to me i become aggressive and occasionally mean. Im sorry im really closed off. Im sorry for not necessarily being what you deserve but im working on it! I want to be what's best for you. I love you so so much and idk what brought me to write all of this random stuff but yes. Thank u for reading and once again, I love you with my heart, mind, body, and soul. <3