Notes

I apologize I was not so smart to realize what I had come to realize, earlier.
I spent 32 days to realize that I was not fighting something (doubts and fears). When in fact I was fighting someone, you, yourself.
I’ll illustrate briefly but before I do, in this message I do not hate you, neither am I writing to get you back like I always did. I -honestly- was introduced to new people in a couple of settings/occasions. The count here is more than a one girl who were fine to me, I just confess it was all unplanned and it happened to me, it never happened though since April.
However, my greatest fear came to be realized. It just wasn’t fair seeing you or comparing the slightest of shits in your personality to them, not fair too to compare you even physically to them, or else, not fair with comparing their breathing to yours. For I still recall your breathing and it isn't fair although all of them had the advantage of being within reach to see, smell and to touch, the very things you ran to find in someone else, the very things I overlooked then because my love to you was about fulfilling my self. Noteworthy -too- is that with all of them too I'd have never to run arguments over hugs, skirts or whatsoever.
Just much far worse, have you ever seen a guy talking about his ex to someone he just met when she was interested in him? How in ugly words would you call him? I’ve seen it in a movie, and in my real life.
And so I accepted as I saw the girl in pain, no more people to be hurt and not myself too. I gave it up, are you happy? Got yourself –again- a nice boost? Sure, you’re always welcome.
I really do wish I hadn’t ever known you, wish I had never loved you, and as much I do wish you had never loved me too, I don’t know for how long did you actually do but it surely existed and it was more than a minute that you loved me through, yet less than a one entire month of time (21st August – 21st September, Monday or 22nd, Tuesday morning).
You were ready, well informed with your decision and furthermore, the mechanism you’ll do the presentation with.
The “Decision” has not been taken as a reaction to the Alleged-Evil-Breakup-Conference held on Tuesday evening and the events of the 22nd’s evening.
The decision has already been with you during Tuesday’s day and your mind has been made up.
Yet I didn’t precisely know since when. I didn’t care but I only figured out it was nothing to do with the 22nd’s events at all, as if the 22nd has never existed and I stopped my “math” there.
If you can recall well, in Tuesday night’s there were no decisions, there was just you telling me things and predictions, me panicking like hell and losing it, and both of us finally agreeing that you would go to sleep for the exam of the following day and me leaving the work spot at 1:15AM.
Yet the decision itself was shot on Wednesday the 23rd at 1:15PM at the time when you were home an hour earlier than what it is currently.
As you agree with those facts, it is unjustified having you being prepared to do it before everything that -you made me think- moved you took place. Unjustified to me that you held it all in your hands yet you still said “I can only be yours” in the last five minutes before the conference. Yet I do not give a single fuck about why did you do it, or why did you blame something else aside from what you wisely chose. I don’t ask you, didn’t even ask myself.
Is it because it hurt me bad just the mere knowledge of this? Is it because my life is currently in turmoil and that I do not want this letter to come back with another reply that you’ll play another game through, you’ll lie another lie despite what I hold evidence of my claims?
Because Trust me it’s so afar from “Why” now, it’s different.
Technology played a big role in our relationship, and technology turned ugly on you when I just gave it a doubt to play trial and error games with until I’ve hit the right note and it resonated loud enough in more than a tone leaving no doubt for what I am here to say.
See, still this message comes in a peaceful tone when it could’ve came in a much worse one, you go ahead and respect that.
I would go further to say a piece of advice: not all guys that’ll enter your heart –or are now inside of it even, if there is any- are with my same level of intelligence. Someone with a more average IQ could’ve seen the sleigh coming earlier and turned it upside down on you, destroying all the ego you thought you had.
You as a girl are like them all, not as smart as they think they are, and if you realize this fact alone, then you’ll be the smartest of them all. Not too bad though eh?
What I found out remains only mine, I will not let anyone know of what I did find.
Reason isn’t something about you, not to save you some face or anything of this sort because I don’t give a shit. And anyways those humans I know –I’d go further to say even those I am still yet to know- will never be close contacts to you.
Reason is about me, my own ego. I looked behind and saw it bruised and scarred by what you’ve done, it was far more bruised when I later found this all out and it’s time to start protecting what I have left of that ego.
As that was something so easy to be found out, had I only gave it a benefit of the doubt that you may not have had –once more- fears or doubts, and that it was only you with your decision since Tuesday night, the 22nd‘s midnight and I would’ve saved myself 32 days and 31 nights of ultimate suffering, agony and loss of everything I once held in hand even before you came to know me.
Of course, you’re trying now to refute the findings I had come up with. I tell you even if my words aren’t what really happened, you know real well that they ring 90% close to the real thing that happened because remember, I’ve got evidence as you read now. Things changed and you opened my eyes to the ugly side of life.
Don’t worry, for I needn’t write you again. Nor do you. Better for both of us to stay silent after this message. And what would you gain if you debated to prove yourself not in guilt in front of me? If you can prove so to yourself and believe it well enough then you needn’t any judgment of mine and that’s why this is intended to be a message of acknowledgment, not claim or judgment. Let’s be mature enough to skip another unnecessary fight that won’t change any of the facts, any of my evidence, nor change your mind. Yes, “fight” as it has been, foolish me.
You’ll see me a lot, every couple of weeks almost. As promised there’s a long dedication sentence in everything I’ll produce, there’s a dedication in everything I’ll earn, a dedication which I had already been telling to the people after reactions I privately received from the Kit Kat. Have you wished or not, have you known or not. It doesn’t matter. I just must be grateful to the most talented drama actress in my life who inspired me to act.
Finally, this message is sent after the festival ends, I knew from the internet when does it end, I logged in over the fair’s website in Italian. See how I care about timing although the message isn’t harmful to you at all?
Next time, look at the simplest of stuff and you too learn to care about timing and don’t be an ignorant fuck. Set aside all his life circumstances if you’ll do it anyway, but just don’t bomb a guy in his holiday that comes once in a whole year with 365 days you wait for it to come back once again where he chose to work in it for you, where everyone around was celebrating and cheering. At least stab him a week after.
I justify my intelligence here in a point, like you previously said that you are my first love. This only was enough of reason for me to stay ignorant of all of this and to trust you like I trusted the breathing I let in and out. Guess if you weren’t my first, then on that 22nd‘s night I would’ve made you go to bed broke with zero ego and self-realization at the first “I don’t know” that came out of you.
Yes I was so dumb, but you were not so smart.