Notes

i wanna disappear into a hole and never come out, i wish people didn't rely on me so that i could just disappear forever. I dont wanna be seen, im ugly, ive always been ugly and Ive never been one to get a lot of attention, maybe thats why i dont like attention, because it feels fake, it feels forced and like i dont deserve it, i dont believe people when they tell me im pretty or attractive because i never have been, and when people start to act different or feel distant i blame myself, im sure i did something wrong at some point, but at the same time i paint myself the victim, why are they leaving me, why does everyone, im porbably a really bad person if this keeps happening, if i keep doing things wrong then im a bad person, its my fault its all my fault, im just like them, im just like her. I feel like im waiting for someone thats not going to arrive, and im making a fool out of myself, i just wish you would tell me, if you dont wanna talk to me if youre mad at me tell me fucking straight up so i dont continue to make myself look like an idiot please. I dont wanna do this to myself anymore, i feel far too much and i feel far too deeply for this, i think ill always care more about everyone in my life than they care for me. Ill always be there for them no matter what they put me through, why do i have to feel so deeply, why do i have to love so hard. I wish i could shut off my feelings, my thoughts, everything just for a while, i wanna feel calm and safe and peaceful, i dont wanna keep thinking about shit and i dont wanna keep having this ach in my chest and this pit in my stomach, i want it to go away, i want it all to go away. did you even ever care? its starting to feel like you didnt. Why are you being like this, just tell me what i did. You take fucking hours to respond to simple ass texts, you leave me on read, you dont put effort into convos at all so why the fuck would i keep texting you and putting in effort and energy when clearly youre mad or dont wanna talk or both. Im not gonna do that to myself, i feel fuckin pathetic man. You also didnt even seem to care at all that sylvan left buh you know thats hard for me or you should, and i got my fucking license and you didnt even care like i was really excited and ik ur mad or wtvr i get that i apologized for leavin the park if thats vene what ur mad ab idek atp, idk what else you want from me, idk what i can do if you wont talk to me but wtvr man you do you, if you could j lmk if you dont wanna talk or whatever so i dont look like an idiot that would be great thank you.