Notes

Which Democratic Presidential Candidate Would I Trust To Change My Tire?
by Jim Goad
October 19, 2015

BERNIE SANDERS
I thought I was angry until I saw Bernie Sanders. He looks like the world’s bitterest Muppet and belches up the same old cliches about socialism that have failed everywhere except Scandinavia, where they will fail soon once those nations receive a sufficient diversity injection. He used the terms “the 1 percent” and “billionaires” at least one billion times and made some patently fraudulent and easily disproved claims about where the US stands compared to the rest of the world when it comes to wealth inequality. When asked whether black lives matter or all lives matter, he chose the blacks, even though his fanbase is almost entirely white. He even cited the Southern Poverty Law Center as a reliable source. Oy gevalt!

I think that Bernie Sanders would roll up behind my stranded vehicle in his electric car and help me fix my flat, but not before screaming with the ferocity of Yahweh about how I’m the tool of oil companies and the Koch Brothers for driving a gas-powered car in the first place.

HILLARY CLINTON
This icy lamprey is roughly as inspirational as a canker sore, but to my surprise and dismay she came off smoother and more authoritative than the other four candidates combined. She lied and said that Republicans have “demonized hard-working immigrants,” when the truth is that the worst they’ve done is demonize lazy, drug-slinging illegal aliens who only work hard at raping people. She also bragged that she was “not taking a backseat to anyone” as if she were Rosa Parks and not a spoiled brat.

On the off chance that Hillary would interrupt her oral servicing of travel companion Huma Abedin long enough to lift up her head and notice me as their limo zipped past my stalled car, she’d emit that wide-eyed death cackle of hers before continuing to lick.