Notes

I'm writing this to dump

Who, are, You?
I sometimes think I made a version of you
up in my head when we first started talking.
But now as everything unfolds and the truths come out
I realize I wasn't completely off track.

As I sit in my bed thinking for the millionth time how much it's so hard to explain our relationship.
I want to write out what made you this person in my life from a different perspective,
so instead of typing this out with the frustration of not knowing how I feel about you,
I'm going to say it like I'm talking to you.

Dear JT,
Oh my heart haha
There are so many things I could say to you,
and there are so many things I have wanted to do and say,
and I think was makes it harder is the fact that if you had these feelings too.
Though they were way stronger before the year ended, I guess I pushed my emotions
down on how I felt about you and how I wanted us to grow together,
but there was a stop in that when you chose someone else.
I know it might sound delusional but in reality, I knew we had something.
Whether it was a "crush" or a talking stage,
I believe you were a big part of my development as a person.
I talked about you all the time and not even in A cocky way,
but I also was in so much love with myself at the time.
Nothing makes sense when I say it out my mouth but
....I don't want to say I love you because it wasn't that ]
For a long time after detaching myself from you, i thought I did it.
I forgot the feelings and tried to move on and heal and kinda find
a new love interest.
Since when I was in the stages of talking to you and everything I
found nobody else attractive.
Not to boost your ego n shit but you half the thoughts that crossed my mind
and how much we would talk or who else you showed attention to would decide my whole day.
In a way, you spiced up my life for a moment.
And every time i look back I know i am grateful for you
and everything we've done to get here.
IG it was the more you started expressing your feelings to me
and your feelings about me to Lillian, I felt it.
But I know its not the same but I feel a pull in my heart towards you.
It makes my head drop and that feeling in my head where I'm like WHY.
But deep down I feel there is a reason why but I just don't know how to explain it yet.
And I feel that me and you need to communicate just the two of us.
I want us. Just a dump of our feelings and the touch of you to know its real,
To know the person I made of you in my head of us being right for each other is real.

But then that's where is stop myself.
Is it real?
There is so much energy that pulls us toward each other but its not the right time.
Bit when will be the right time?
Which is why i feel i need to talk to you.
Because thoughts without words will leave me in this cycle.
The cycle of talking back and forth with myself with so many questions.
JT. what is this?
All I've ever wanted was the day we lock in because everything just works out for us.
And now your with another person and it makes it difficult for us both to express ourselves.
Theres so much tension I feel.
But I wont manifest them anymore because of the fact they're in a relationship.
I remember when your hugs would feel so safe.
I used to say you give the best hugs.
I remember not being able to hold my smile when you walked in the room.
i couldn't stop cheesing to save my life and it was all because of you.
You fed into the things I liked, and asked questions, but you were
always different in your way obviously.
The kind of music you listened to was different,
the way we grew up was different,
i was introverted and you were knew a lot of people.
You moved me out of my comfort zone and ig that's why i appreciate you so much.
You listen and remember things and that means a lot to me considering we were
pretty different.
And looking in your eyes always has me lost.
which is why i think when we r high we fall back into our emotions.
Mabye that's why you stare at me more, or touch me more.
But i don't like limiting myself with you.
I want you to kiss my lips and hold my hand,
I want to lay on you and laugh with you without feeling a second thought in my mind
about anyone but us.
But that's not how it is and that's fine.
But one day, Me and You will find our way, and all i can do is be open to the future.